Is it ok to cry in front of your child?
Most parents know that it is not okay to “lose it” emotionally in front of our children.
Of course, we also know that we inevitably will lose our cool in front of them from time to time.
It happens to the best of us.
But those of us on a conscious parenting journey understand that our children are not responsible for our emotional reactivity. We know that it is very much our responsibility to learn to attend to our own emotional needs. We get that we must make protective choices when it comes to our children having to witness our BIG expressions of anger, frustration, fear, and other challenging emotions.
And we’ve understood that the onus of initiating and facilitating repair is on us when our kids have had to witness emotional expressions of ours that may have caused fear, guilt, shame or any other kind of emotional pain for them.
Check out my free PDF about what to do when you are visibly upset in front of your child.
But what a lot of parents aren’t so sure about, is when it’s okay and not okay to express our difficult emotions, such as sadness, fear, disappointment, frustration, in front of our children.
Something I often get asked is, “Is it okay to cry in front of my child?”
Let me tell you about a time that I asked myself this same question about nine years ago.
It was an ordinary day taking care of my baby. As I set her on the bed to change her diaper for the hundredth time, I was suddenly filled with feelings of grief about my marriage at the time. When I looked down at her face, she was giving me that big old happy baby-smile that she always did when I changed her. You know what I’m talking about. Those gummy baby smiles, so very big, trusting, open, and seeking to be met with resonance and attunement. Usually, I met this look with smiles, kisses and baby talk.
But this time, I couldn’t respond with a look that resonated with her. I was then pained by her smile, seemingly inviting and seeking all at the same time. I could tell that my own face revealed the angst and worry that I had been carrying about my marriage. And quite automatically, I had to look away from her in order to hide my tears. Something told me that I needed to protect her from them.
Years later, I like to imagine that the tired, lonely and overwhelmed version of me that felt so torn in that moment, could have heard a loving, warm and wise voice say to her, “Go ahead, you can cry. You’re having a hard time, and crying is what we do when things feel hard.”
Perhaps, instead of turning away, I would have returned my daughter's gaze while allowing my own tears to flow. Maybe I could have said to her, “I have some sad feelings right now. And you are so happy. We don’t feel the same right now, and sometimes that happens. And I love you so much. And we are going to be okay.”
I wish I had known then, that the answer to “Is it ok to cry in front of your child?” is indeed, yes!
But like all things human, there are never any black and white, right or wrong answers.
Human parents and human children are all about the nuance and the grey areas that we sense with our hearts, in addition to the clear facts that we acquire with with our minds.
Here are some things to help you to be more thoughtful about crying in front of your child, especially during the seasons of your life where your emotions can feel particularly challenging.
1. Consider the degree of the emotional charge beneath the tears.
If the underlying emotional charge beneath your tears is really big, consider getting another adult to help you with your feelings.
I am reminded of the time that I suddenly crumbled onto my bedroom floor while putting away some clothes and heard myself saying, “I’m not going to be able to make it”. I was crying perhaps the most intensely that I ever had in my life, with my entire body hurting from the depth of each sob. I could barely catch my breath. It was just a few days after my dad’s funeral, my first day back home. And luckily, my partner came in and held me in his arms while I moved through these necessary tears.
The younger parts of me were terrified and dreaded having to remain in this world without my dad, and my body was overwhelmed by the waves of pain. My daughter, who often notices when I cry, heard me from the other room. When my partner went to check on her, she said to him, “My mom is really sad because her dad just died.” She also had a few questions for him around it all, which he was able to answer and provide her with some perspective and guidance.
In moments like these, when our feelings are really intense, it can be very helpful for our children to see us reaching out to another adult to get some support as we move through the pain. This can look like a phone call, too.
It is also good to revisit these episodes with our kids after the fact. This allows us to see if there are any lingering feelings or thoughts that they have about what they witnessed. Just over a year later, I will sometimes recall that day with my daughter. This helps her to integrate the memory. It can allow any fears that she may have felt in the moment to be met with the current reality, where I am okay and have found many ways to honor my dad while accepting his passing.
Generally, the tears that we cry when we are falling apart, should not be shed while we are alone with our children. Those words of despair that my daughter overheard me saying to another adult that day, should not have been said directly to her. It would not have been appropriate for her young self to have to comfort me at that moment. Of course, we can’t always keep our kids from witnessing our “falling apart moments” – but the times that they do should be the exception and not the rule.
In the Healing Parents community, parents meet regularly to listen to each other. We will set a timer for each person, and take turns sharing whatever we need to talk about. Over time, as connections are built and trust is deepened, this practice allows us to touch on a broad spectrum of emotions. At times expressing rage, pettiness, despair, disappointment, shame and any other thoughts and feelings that we have been taught our whole lives to pretend we don’t feel. We might say some really strong things that need to be expressed in a safe container, far from the impressionable ears of our children.
One rule that we have, in addition to total confidentiality, is that we protect our children from our meetings. That we take extra care to make sure that they are not home or listening on the other side of the door. Because while this expression of emotions is necessary and healthy, it is not appropriate for our children to witness.
But let’s go back to the first part of that last sentence…because being able to really “go there” with our feelings of sadness, despair, pain, fear, anger and even rage, is a very necessary part of our work as parents.
2. Have a regular place where you can share your feelings.
Whether it is through a Listening Partnership, a listening-based support group, or with a therapist who knows how to listen to you–it is really important to have a regular space in your life where you can safely express your feelings.
If the other person is lecturing you, saying I told you so, making you label your feelings, trying to make you get to the root cause of your pain, trying to cheer you up, expressing how worried you are making them, making it about themselves in any way at all, likely to “take a side” if there is a conflict, or if you think they might share your story with someone else, they are likely not a safe listener.
Unfortunately, the above criteria will often rule out many people in our lives who society tells us should be the ones that we go to with our troubles. But more often than not, our parents, siblings, partners and many of our friends are not able to the safe listeners that we need. You see, without a little bit of learning and practice, most people are not great listeners. Which often means that when you share with them, you might feel worse than you did before.
Like good parenting, good listening is learned and practiced in community.
And the more we share our feelings with good listeners and in appropriate spaces, the less likely these emotions are to take over in front of our children. Which means we become more able to choose when and how we express our feelings in front of them. Which leads me to the next idea about crying in front of our children.
3. It is actually a good thing to allow your children to watch you relate to the full range of your emotions.
Once you have understood that your highly-charged emotions should be saved to express in spaces where your child does not have to witness them, you can now focus on choosing healthy and helpful ways to share your sadness and tears with your child.
One thing to consider is that when you have already worked through something that was overwhelmingly painful at another time in your life, it is likely to be beneficial if you share about it with your child now.
These can be stories from your own childhood where you experienced loss, rejection, fear or pain. Recalling these moments might even bring on some tears of tenderness as you recall that sweet, younger version of you. Granted that the story is age-appropriate, sharing it with your child can be a powerful way to show them that they are not alone in experiencing feelings of fear, sadness and disappointment in their lives. That you have been in sad places, too. (Although, please note that this doesn’t mean we should bring up our own stories of hurt as a response to our children sharing their pain with us. This is probably not the best time to shift attention to anybody’s story other than your child’s.)
Sharing our stories of pain and loss at the right time, can also show our kids that it is safe to revisit painful memories from our past. That life hurts sometimes, and that we can still be okay.
Another thing to consider is that when a movie or song reminds you of something painful, that it’s good for your children to see you moved to tears. To witness the sometimes sweet and soft experience of crying.
You can even share if a particular scene in a movie reminds you of a loved one that has passed, or a sweet memory that you miss. You can let them know that it is nice to be reminded of your love for a certain person, place or time in your life.
Similarly, when news of suffering or devastation breaks your heart. When it hurts deeply to learn about or witness injustices and the way our world benefits some over others. It is also okay to let your children see your tears of empathy and grief for the state of the world. As always, keep in mind that you should be very thoughtful about the level of detail of information that is appropriate to share with a child according to their age, temperament and current circumstance.
You can also talk about the healing power of tears with your child. When you are feeling irritable you might say “Oh I think I have a stuck cry inside because I just keep feeling so irritated today”. Even if you are not able to connect with those tears and access the emotional release that they would bring right in the moment, you are providing some insight and context for your child. They will learn a little more about how emotions work, and be less likely to blame themselves for your irritable behavior.
Finally, while it is a good thing to allow our children to witness how we relate to our full range of emotions, keep in mind that this is not the same as allowing them to be exposed to emotions with a charge that is too big for us to handle alone. In other words, allowing them to see us feel all different types of emotions is not the same as allowing them to see us feeling all different degrees of those emotions.
So remember, when it comes to crying in front of our kids, there are many times when doing so is a great opportunity to model the healthy expression of emotions. However, it is important to discern when and where it is appropriate to shed our tears in front of them. And finally, in order to be able to make good choices about when to do so, we need a regular space to express our emotions with safe listeners.