How to cultivate resilience through big life changes
“My daughter is starting kindergarten soon, and I'm struggling with letting go. Finding something to occupy my time and focusing on all the wonderful things school will bring. I was not able to homeschool so I'm having a hard time with this. Something addressing this would be helpful in a future email.”
- Newsletter reader
A mother from my email community recently wrote to me about the transition she was anticipating with her daughter beginning kindergarten.
And I just LOVE the way that she knows how to name the work that she is being called to do...
She knows that she is struggling with letting go in the face of an upcoming separation. She recognizes that she is having a hard time with not being able to do things the way that she had hoped (in this case, homeschooling). And she notices herself wanting to focus on the wonderful things that will come with this change as well.
In putting words to her experience and sharing them with me in a few sentences, this mother has already done such an important part of her work.
You see, when we can name what we are experiencing when faced with change, we can tend to the parts within us that are feeling unsettled by fears, longing and sadness. And in doing so, we can then grieve the inevitable sense of loss that comes with decisions and choices, instead of trying to bypass it too soon. Which matters, because it is through grieving the losses well that we can fully rest in the rightness that also lies within the hard decisions and circumstances of our lives.
If you have an upcoming change or transition that brings up a lot of feelings for you, there are things you can do to cultivate resilience within yourself and for your child, as you navigate it all.
Where to start?
I suggest that you notice the “productive,” “positive,” or socially-accepted ways that you may inadvertently be trying to bypassing the hurt. I’ll mention two common ones below.
Two ways that we tend to bypass our hurt instead of naming it:
1. Trying to learn all the rules and tools for the "right way" to handle hard transitions in parenting, instead of sitting with the grief (and any old ungrieved wounds that are getting poked) that your decision or change will bring about. Here are some common transitions that many parents seek "expert" advice around:
How and when to wean,
When to have another child, or whether to have another child at all,
When and if to send them to school or day care,
Whether to stay partnered with their other parent or not,
How do deliver difficult news to your child,
When to take that first trip away from them.
If you notice yourself focusing too much on wanting answers for how and when to make these decisions, this focus on getting it right may be a way of bypassing the feelings that they bring up in you.
2. Another way that parents will often skip over the hard feelings that come up around change, is by trying to focus only on the positive emotions and outcomes, instead of making room for all of the feelings and scenarios that may arise. But here's the thing–it is often the case that having safe outlets for the harder feelings, is precisely what allows you to receive the more hopeful feelings with ease and openness. When you are not fearfully avoiding the hard emotions at all costs, the desire to anxiously grasp onto the positive ones for dear life in order to make it through, is less likely to take over.
Dominant modern society will tell you that the above attitudes are great ways to approach change. In a culture that loves to optimize everything through "best practices", it is productive and therefore respectable to learn the "right way" to do things. Similarly, focusing on the positive is definitely the "functional" person’s way to go.
And the truth is, information or tips about how and when to introduce changes into your family's life can definitely be helpful. And it is also true that making room for the “positives” is an important practice–especially when we know that our brains are biased to grasp onto and magnify the negatives.
But what about those “negatives”? What do we do with those harder feelings?
Do you know how to ensure that all of the feelings–good and bad–that come up for yourself and for your child during these changes, will be held in a way that strengthens their sense of self and trust in the relationship with you? In a way that prepares them to turn towards themselves with care, and opens their heart to receiving support from others when life gets hard in the future? In other words, do you know how to move through transitions with them in a way that teaches them how to be truly open, flexible and resilient people?
If cultivating this kind of resilience in them matters to you, read on.
Things you can do to help your child and yourself though big changes…
Bring it up, don’t try to avoid it.
Talk about the upcoming change in frequent, manageable doses with your child. When you mention the upcoming change frequently, you provide your child with the opportunities that they need in order to engage with the feelings that come up for them around it. There are all sorts of ways to bring the change up. For example, "I was just emailing your new school because I wonder when we can order the uniforms so you can see what they are like,” or “I’m going to buy some clothes for the new baby tomorrow.” Try not to infuse these reminders with your own need for your child to feel a certain way about the change. For example, "Ooooh these uniforms are so cute! Isn't that exciting that you'll get to wear one?" makes it pretty clear to them that you want them to be excited about it. And what we actually want to aim for, is to provide just enough of a reminder for their feelings about it to surface.
Make room for their feelings, but don’t try to draw those feelings out of them.
If you have been here long enough, you probably know that children should not be expected to name the source, nor the labels, of the feelings attached to their grief. But they should absolutely be able to fully express these feelings in your presence. That being said, children’s bodies know what to do when it comes to feelings. So if you find yourself telling them that "it's good to feel their feelings,” or saying “its okay to cry”, or asking them to label their feelings or point to where they notice them in their bodies…try instead to simply BE the loving container they need. When you do this, your presence lets their body know that it’s safe to do what it already knows how to do in order to heal, with you. (If you want a deep dive in how to provide this for them, definitely get on the waitlist for my course in the fall).
Hold limits lovingly.
Just as bringing a pending transition up will invite them to be with their feelings around it, so will setting good limits. But I’m not referring to “saying no so they will learn what's right and wrong” when I talk about limits. You see, setting lovings limits requires two important things: 1. Warmly delivering the message that something they want (another cookie, more time at their other parent's home, etc.) won’t be possible, and 2. Holding space in a loving and generous way, for the feelings that come up around their disappointment over the limit. You see, when they cry about the cookie, they will likely use those tears to cry a little about the upcoming change that they are fearing. Of course, this doesn't mean we set arbitrary limits just to get them to cry! But when a necessary limit causes them to express their upset, it is very possible that this moment will provide an opening to work on their other hurts (such as the fears related to the upcoming change in their lives). And plus, parents who set limits well, provide their children with a sense of consistency and reliability that they can count on, which can feel especially helpful when other things in their lives are changing.
Double down on delight and play.
Some big doses of delight when you do a Special Time properly; or a little bit of respectful and energetic roughhousing will go a very long way in helping them anticipate and move through the changes in their lives.
And all four of the above practices apply to you as well!
Like this wise mother who emailed me about her daughter’s upcoming transition to school, we all need a space to stop and name what is going on inside for us regularly. And like our kids, we need to be able to feel our feelings in the presence of a loving adult; the kind of adult whose safety our bodies can sense. Furthermore, this practice of feeling our feelings with the right person, can help us to get clear on the boundaries we need to set as well. Because just as limits help our kids to feel protected and safe in moments of transition, these are also important times for us to set boundaries. Keeping supportive people and elements of our lives close and frequent, and maintaining less supportive ones at the right distance, can protect the conditions for the most supported and nourishing transition possible. And finally, if play and delight feel like hard ones to access for you, at least make room for some rest. Delight, play and rest will nourish you throughout hard transitions and keep you connected to your heart.
Because at the end of the day, it won't matter very much what year they weaned, or whether they weaned in the summer or in the winter of that year; or when exactly they began their schooling, or if they forwent formal schooling entirely; or when the second sibling (or any siblings at all) came into their lives.
What will matter most, is what their relationship with you felt like as they moved through those changes.