Holiday Essentials: Boundaries, Forgiveness and Gratitude

One challenge for those of us who are healing while parenting, is that many times, we can’t simply rely on doing things the way our family has always done them.

As you probably already know, healing requires us to examine our stories and heal the hurts from our past. But it also calls us to interrupt and transform the family patterns from our past that do not foster safety and connection in our lives.

So while many of us are pretty clear about what we don’t want to repeat from our families of origin; we usually aren’t going to be immediately clear on how we do want to do things.

This may be why, when it comes to parenting, so many of us have decided to learn the new, healthy skills that were never modeled for us.

And when it comes to even the most widely accepted traditions–such as the Thanksgiving holiday in the United States–we may find ourselves feeling more ambivalence than comfort as the holiday (and the season it kicks off) approaches.

Articles on “examples of boundaries with family” and “phrases to set boundaries with family” abound for parents like you and me during this time of the year.

And this makes sense. Once you begin learning healthy relationship and parenting skills, the unhealthy dynamics of your family of origin (or your partner's) become rather evident–painfully so at times.

Perhaps you are the first to express discomfort at leaving your child unattended for too long at a family gathering. Or maybe you are the first to call out inappropriate behaviors and conversations that you do not think children should be exposed to.

You might notice yourself feeling both outraged and frozen in time as an adult tries to guilt your child into giving them a hug, or shames them for not saying please when choosing their dessert.

Maybe you struggle to find the words to let your mom know that you don’t want your young daughter to hear that her dress looks lovely on her because everything looks so good on thin bodies; or conversely, that she seems to have gained a little bit of weight and could do some more exercise.

This list could go on. And every year the list is different (with a few good old regular repeated items, of course), partly because every year we are different.

And every year, we are met with many opportunities…

You see, as we continue to make sense of our stories, choose our values from a place of healing and awareness instead of from a place of unconsciousness, examine our responsibilities, and decide how to move forward in our lives–holidays like Thanksgiving invite us to reflect.

And this year, I want to share three reflections with you.

First, let’s talk about boundaries.

Before you worry too much about “what to say when (insert tricky scenario that calls you to use a boundary)”, consider allowing yourself to lean hard into the first step of setting boundaries–which is noticing.

Notice what goes on within you as you prepare and move into this holiday season.

What do all of the tiny voices in your head have to say about it all?

What’s on the list of worries?

What does your nostalgia feel like?

What are you longing for?

What are you hoping for?

Try turning towards those voices inside, and letting them know that there is room for all of them within you. Perhaps try asking, “What do you want me to know before this event?”, or “What’s feeling okay and not okay for you about gathering with family?” and then perhaps “What do you need from me in order to feel safe?”

Notice not only the answers that come from within you, but if it feels safe, try and notice where you feel those answers coming from in your body. Someone might feel a very concerned young part of them that fears a critical comment from a parent, in their chest, for example.

(You can ask your kids those same questions before a gathering, too.)

When it comes to boundaries, remember to try and be okay with not knowing exactly what to do in every challenging circumstance. You might miss the opportunity to stand up for yourself in the moment, or be at a loss for words when confronted with an unexpected situation that you are not okay with.

Try to make some room to acknowledge how far you have come. Give yourself props for all of the things that you used to overlook, which you now choose to see–both within yourself and in your family culture. Notice the ways in which you can now also forgive what you used to only resent–again, both within you, and with others. See how you are breaking old cycles as your child experiences family gatherings with a deeper sense of safety and connection to you than you experienced with your parents when you were little.

And also, notice the ways in which you still fall into old patterns. Be the loving parent to yourself that you deserve and remember that slipping always gives you a little more of the information you need in order to know a little better how and where to focus your much-deserved self-healing and caring efforts.

And as always, remember to let your support people know what you need from them before, during and after your time with family.

Next up, forgiveness.

What about the upcoming holiday gatherings provides you with an opportunity to forgive others where you can? Where are you able to forgive yourself for the ways in which you are not ready to forgive others?

I invite you to allow yourself to be with the ambivalence of navigating relationships with those who you love and who have hurt you.

To try out what its like to say "I forgive you" to a particularly challenging moment or circumstance. And to also turn lovingly towards the part of you that in the very same breath says, "No, I do not!" This year I am practicing forgiveness for the reality that my dad won’t be around for the holidays, which also involves holding the parts of me that refuse to accept the fact that he is no longer living.

For every resentment or resistance that you find yourself able to meet with forgiveness, allow yourself to soften into the sweetness of surrender and release.

Of course, don’t force yourself to forgive anyone or anything. See the ways in which you are unwilling or unable to forgive as important paths to the parts of you that need your time, care and tenderness.

And when it comes to forgiveness, remember to keep your boundaries in place. Because forgiveness and boundaries are not at odds with each other; but rather a seemingly paradoxical pairing of complimentary practices that help us to heal, and live our way into the connected and joyful life that we desire.

And finally, gratitude.

My reflection every year for parents about gratitude is that it can’t be taught.

Don’t worry about your child’s goodness; it has always been there and always will. The good work that you put into learning to treat them well, provide the attuned love that they need, and expressing your gratitude for their presence in your life is plenty. There are no lessons on “being thankful” that they need to learn.

If anything, on the topic of gratitude, consider sharing with your child the things that you appreciate. Perhaps the land that you live on, the people who came before you, and the ways in which we can participate in righting the wrongs of the dark past that accompanies the Thanksgiving holiday history.

Whatever it is that is on your mind and heart as we move into this holiday season, I hope that you can be good to yourself, and lean into every moment that brings you and your family joy.