What is a home that heals?
What if the problem was just as much about the culture of healing that was lacking in our childhood homes, as it was about the actual wounding that we experienced there?
What comes to mind when you hear the word “healing”?
Or more specifically, what comes to mind when you think about healing while parenting?
My bet is that you think about parents with painfully imperfect childhoods, deciding to heal from the trauma or wounding from those early experiences, in order to have a more connected, peaceful and healthy life now.
Or, like many I have heard from, you might think about parents trying to “heal their shit” in order to break cycles of dysfunction and not mess their kids up.
But there is an often overlooked truth about healing that does not involve digging through our past, trying to make sense of our stories, or learning new relationship tools.
This truth is at the root of so much of the work that I have seen parents like you doing over the years.
It is about the fact that healthy relationship in itself, is inherently healing. And that we all very much need it. Here's why...
You see, experiencing wounding as humans is not just a result of having had unconscious parents or grown up in dysfunctional families and social systems.
Rather, we are meant to experience disappointment, pain and loss in our lives. And we (and our kids) will inevitably experience wounding. From the day one. Time and again.
From the moment when we first enter this world, we are designed to heal from that pain, too. To cultivate the healthy resilience that reminds us that it is safe to continue to love.
And we are meant to do this healing through healthy relationship.
The kind of relationship that shows children just how good connection feels. Where they know in their bodies that connection is abundantly available to them, and that they can give it generously to others. And that they do not need to accept substitutes for connection in ways that do not serve them well–such as mistreatment, substances or consumerism.
And cultivating this kind of relationship, is a process that must be led by the parent.
A process that is not as much about what we do to our children, as it is about who we are to them. And how and why we do these things with them.
So as promised last week, here are some things that you can do to embody the loving leadership required to build this kind of relationship with your child.
Delight in them.
Tools like Special Time or PlayListening are great for this. And so is simply choosing a time of day (first thing in the morning is a good one!) to greet and be with your child as if you were meeting them for the first time and are in awe of their existence.
Listen to their hurts.
Knowing how to deeply listen with your entire body to the pain of their disappointments, losses and frustrations, is an art worth allowing yourself to master throughout the rest of your life. It involves skill, practice and unlearning ideas that we may have about what is okay and not okay for a child to do or say when they are feeling upset. It calls us to trust in the wisdom of our child's process, while also providing the container that they need in order to fully express their difficult emotions.
Set limits.
There is so much misunderstanding around how and why to set limits with children. Part of this is simply semantic, and can have us getting caught up in questions like “what is a limit vs what is boundary?” But when you prioritize the relationship with your child over everything else, you realize that regardless of what you call it, a good limit comes down to remembering that the child always needs you to be the adult in order for them to feel safe enough to simply be the child.
Allow them to transform you.
Notice who you are becoming because of loving your child. This includes all of you. The part of you that loves more deeply than you ever thought possible. And also the parts of you that feel rage, frustration and confusion more intensely than you ever did before. The parts of you that come to the surface because of being a parent, and are ready to be seen and cared for too. The part of you that has no time for the things that you realize don't matter the way you used to think they did. Remember that you have your child to thank for this opportunity to know yourself better, treat yourself with compassion and grow.
Be accountable.
At the end of the day, as the adult and as the parent, it is on you to initiate and offer repair and accountability when there is a rupture in the relationship with your child. You are going to mess up, a lot. Which means, you are going to get countless opportunities to practice naming when ruptures happen, and addressing them in a way that deepens a sense of trust in you and in the relationship.
Hold space for yourself.
If you are practicing these kinds of tools, it is likely that your child will grow up to know that they get to hold space for themselves when they are hurting. And that it is right and will serve them well to seek out a safe other for help when the hurts feel too big. But if your parents didn’t have these tools, it’s likely that you still need to teach yourself to incorporate regular support into your life. No parent should be expected to practice the things I mentioned above without having a place to take all of your own feelings that surface along the way. And that regular support doesn't have to be a professional necessarily. Just someone who knows how to listen with understanding.
Healing while parenting isn't just about healing ourselves in order to be the parents our children need. It is very much about giving healing the central role it is meant to have in any healthy and loving home.