The one thing kids need most: Listening that feels like love
You have probably heard about the importance of listening to understand when in conversation with another person.
This means that instead of just listening to plan your response–or make some sort of assessment or judgment about what the other person is sharing–that you listen with the intention of understanding them and their experience.
There are things you can do in order to more effectively “listen to understand”, like asking clarifying questions, or repeating back what the other person said in order to be sure that you are on the same page.
If you are like me, you probably did not learn these skills growing up.
As you can imagine, this type of listening–instead of immediate speculating, arguing or debating–can be really helpful in seeing another person’s perspective on a particular issue.
It can also be hard to do.
You see, the higher the emotional charge that we attach to a conversation, the harder it is to remain open to trying to understand the other person. This is where we have plenty of work cut out for us. Or at least, I know I sure do.
But today I want to focus on a different kind of listening. A listening that doesn’t even require us to ask those clarifying questions, or gain an understanding with our minds of what the other person is trying to communicate. It does not need us to repeat back what they said in order to make sure we understood it.
I am talking about listening with understanding.
Listening with understanding means we listen in a way that finds the other person’s words or behavior entirely understandable, regardless of how much we actually understand it in our heads.
At the end of the day, all any of us really want, is to feel deeply understood, and then loved for who we are understood to be.
This is why it can feel so good when someone can comprehend and reflect back what we are trying to communicate. In other words, when they have effectively "listened to understand" what you are saying and experiencing.
But oftentimes, the need that we are trying to meet by feeling understood on the level of ideas, opinions, or thoughts, is more deeply met when someone just listens to us with understanding.
You see, when someone listens to you with understanding, you can sense it. Through their body language, their eyes and their desire to continue hearing whatever it is that you need to say or do, they convey to you that they "get" you. They get that you are a deeply good human, who is doing your best, and is on your way towards figuring out your very wise next step.
They find you and your experience to be entirely understandable. They communicate, without needing to use words, that under the same circumstances and with the same past as you, they would feel and do the same as you. They can offer you this, without needing to know your entire circumstance or every detail of your past.
Let me give you one example. A good friend of mine who I had always known to identify as female, changed their name and began to identify as nonbinary several years ago. This is something that I will probably never fully understand with my mind, unless I ever personally experience it. And while my friend’s story matters to me and I will always be happy to know them better by learning whatever it is that they want to share about themselves with me; I did not need to know or gain a single fact from them, in order to listen with total understanding when they shared their story and name with me.
Can you guess who especially benefits from being listened to with understanding?
Yep. Our kids.
This doesn’t mean we don’t place importance on what our children are trying to communicate with their words. Or that we can’t make an effort to try and understand what they are saying. But it does mean that if we first listen with understanding–meaning, with full validation of what they are experiencing in the moment–we have a better chance of meeting their need to feel seen and understood. And that sets a more safe and inviting backdrop for the ideas, proposals, complaints or anything else that they are bringing to us to be voiced. Which we can then meet with connection and acceptance.
And you know who else really benefits from being listened to with understanding? Our inner children. Those younger parts of us that are screaming to be heard, and need huge doses of generous understanding and acceptance in order to release their burdens and heal.
I used to think that what mattered most in feeling safe with somebody, was having a shared experience. Someone who has been through what I have, or am going through. Someone who “understands”.
But years of practicing and teaching parents to listen to their children and to each other, have shown me that what really hits the connection spot, is a listener who can generously give you their understanding and loving attention; no matter how relatable or rational they find your thoughts and experience to be.
It is unlikely that anyone in your life will fully know your entire story. And it is impossible that we will fully understand our children’s experience and story. That one is theirs to write. And it is up to them to decide about how much they want to disclose.
But it is entirely possible for all of us to cultivate a strong capacity for deep, embodied listening that heals, empowers and connects us to our children, to each other and to ourselves.