Summer noticing
For as long as I can remember, when I think of summer, the word “vacation” comes to mind as it’s automatic last name.
And while it may not feel exactly like a vacation, the summer months (for parents at least) represent a break from our regular activities.
Whether we are scrambling to find decently priced childcare, or planning some time away from home, the summer months definitely interrupt our daily rhythms.
Maybe those of you who live far away from “home”, might visit your places and families of origin.
Or maybe your current home or town has become the place where your relatives gather.
Perhaps you are taking a vacation with just your child and partner.
Perhaps it's your first summer solo parenting after a separation, and you are navigating the newness.
Maybe you decided to not travel this year because of financial, work or health reasons.
In any case, whatever your summer circumstance, the events during these months can serve as useful reflections of your healing process.
Like looking into a mirror and seeing where you are at. Stopping to notice how you are feeling on your healing path.
Changes in our routines–especially when we change up how we are spending our time or who we are spending it with–are great opportunities to stop and notice what’s going on inside of us.
Perhaps we notice just how differently we are feeling and showing up, as compared to a few years ago. Maybe we are able to notice the small joys and excitement with more attention. Such as soaking up the preciousness of our child at this particular age. Maybe we are just a little bit more about to let ourselves enjoy the moments of ease, excitement, laughter and rest.
And then there are the challenges we can notice, too. From our kids’ behaviors and needs, to our partners’ moods, to our parents’, well, “parentness”–all of these things can cause automatic reactions in us. And every automatic reaction can be a reminder of the choice we have. The choice to pause and see.
You see, our reactions always provide information. Information we can receive with curiosity, and in turn help our healing process along. Information we can process, and choose courses of action that will better serve ourselves and our loved ones.
Here are some ways you can practice noticing this summer.
Let’s break it down into the before, during and after a particular event, trip, camp, activity, etc.
Notice yourself before…
What happens in your body when you think about an upcoming plan? Is there excitement? Enthusiasm? Nervousness? Unease? What thoughts come up? Do you think about the “shoulds" and the pressure they can bring? Or the possibilities, and the freedom you feel to choose what it is that you want for yourself and your family? The excitement that you are creating a life that aligns with your values? Or maybe you don’t like how much obligation is playing into your plans?
Notice yourself during…
Again, what happens in your body throughout the day. What feels enjoyable about the rhythm of your days? What feels painfully unsustainable? What elements of your experience are liberating and feel good? What about this experience makes you feel like you are in charge of your life? What about it makes you feel trapped, or frustrated?
Notice yourself after…
Do you feel recharged? Relieved? Drained? What is being replayed in your head that feels good? What are you remembering that doesn’t feel so good? How were your relationships and loved ones affected by this experience?
In all of the above, remember it’s actually very “productive” to just notice. And while you do, I would invite you to remember that it all makes sense. All. Of. It. Every feeling, thought or concern may not be true, necessarily. But it makes sense that they are there.
I would also invite you to make room for some perspective. For remembering that you can’t control everything, and also, you can control a lot of things. Especially about yourself. Perhaps ask yourself, “what about this do I actually want to control?” Perhaps there are some boundaries you need to set or change. Some conversations to prepare your kids before the events, check-in with them during, and debrief with them after any activities. Maybe (very likely), they have a lot of feelings that need to be expressed.
If you notice your kids, you will see that usually, when it comes to things like a vacation, receiving guests, or a summer of different activities from the norm; they tend to have both a lot of enthusiasm, as well as fear and anxiety before. They can be helped with this. You will probably also notice that during the events, they have very unique and valuable experiences, like time with their cousins or learning a new activity. And they will also struggle with moods, overwhelm and exhaustion. They can be helped with these, also. And after,they will feel comforted by the return to their routine. As well as have a need to discharge the big feelings that accumulated during the events. Again, we can help them here.
And, we adults aren’t that different. There are A LOT of feelings that swirl around these kinds of events for us, as well. Plus, the many associations we have accumulated over the years about what summer is supposed to be. And also, the wounds that we are tending to through our healing, will often feel more fresh with these types of changes.
And so it makes a lot of sense that we feel very overwhelmed at times during the summer.
And like our kids, we can get some help for ourselves for the little things that can add up, or grow in proportion…
A partner’s mood during a vacation can make us question the entire relationship.
A child’s meltdowns with family can make us wonder if maybe there is something wrong with them.
A trip that only highlights how much work you do for your family, and doesn’t feel at all like rest.
A relative’s comment can send you reeling.
A gathering with friends can remind you of painful family dynamics.
It’s a lot. Often much more than we think.
So, remember to turn towards yourself in these challenging moments, and take a minute to notice.
To practice the pause. And I’m not talking about the “take a deep breath so you can be a peaceful mamma” kind of pause. I’m talking about the, “remember you get to stop and notice how you are doing, give importance to it, and be more present for yourself” type of pause.
Next time I'll write more about practicing the pause in this way.
In the meantime, I see you. Doing such good work, to make good things happen for you and your family.