Your child should never feel alone with scary news, and neither should you
“I need some advice. There was an active shooter threat today at my child’s school, and they were all huddled in the bathroom for over an hour. I don’t know exactly what the teachers shared with the kids. But I want to know how to talk to her about what happened.”
Recently, thoughtful parents like you have reached out for consultation regarding deeply troubling events. Such as the example above.
When I notice a particular theme repeating itself in coaching sessions, I take it as an invitation to share some thoughts on it with all of you.
Because the truth is, that all of us are going through hard things all of the time. And we can so easily forget that we are far from alone in that.
And in this case, I know that at some point or another, we all have to help our kids make sense of realities that are just really hard for all humans to face.
Here are some things that can feel especially challenging for thoughtful parents like you, to help make sense of with a child:
Mental health struggles.
Parental separation or divorce.
Violence, abuse, or risk of these.
Accidents that result in pain or tragedy.
Death, and the many circumstances leading up to and following it.
Racism, injustice and how they affect your family and/or loved ones.
A medical diagnosis, or series of tests or treatments, for either the child or a close loved one.
I remember many years ago, while babysitting, the mom came home from her doctor's appointment wearing a heart monitoring device.
Her sweet toddler ran up to her, pointed at the device and innocently asked, “Mommy, what’s this?!”
I watched as this mother’s face dropped.
Her eyes met mine for a minute, needing a look of shared knowing.
And then as quickly as it dropped, her face composed itself and she responded something like, “Oh it's a little machine the doctor gave me to see how my heart pumps.”
She was so reassuring, that even I felt better!
I’m sure you have all experienced something like this mother did: Still trying to come to terms with your own feelings about a difficult circumstance. Seeing your child's unknowing and inquisitive face. And immediately setting your feelings aside to provide them with the sense of safety they need.
I know I have.
But here’s the thing. Way too many parents remain alone with all of their own fears and hurts. They set aside those feelings of overwhelm in order to be there their kids; but then they leave those feelings there, tucked away in some corner of their inner landscape. Until, as feelings will do, they spill over and you have to find a closet, bathroom or sink full of dishes to stand at and cry.
Alone.
My dear parents, this is not only unfair to ourselves.
It is not helpful to our children. They do need us. It's on us to shepherd them through their own reactions to any frightening circumstances they might hear about. Or sense.
Which is why the first of the next three things I suggest for supporting your kids through frightening or unsettling events, is to get support for you.
Three things to consider when supporting your child through scary events
1. Get support for you.
Remember that moments of uncertainty, fear and pain in our present, always remind our bodies of how we experienced these as children.
And most of the time, at least emotionally, we experienced these moments feeling alone.
And what we needed, as our children do now, was to feel the opposite of alone.
To be witnessed and held as we moved through the hard moment.
And now, we parents still need to be supported.
To be heard by a good listener. Someone who can really listen as you let your own fears, anger, shock flow.
Usually, these are people who have been through a scary thing or two themselves. And who have practiced the art of going there with their own feelings in such moments.
We need these people and we also get to be these people for others.
2. Remember that being in good relationship is most of the work.
If you have come to me in a parenting crisis, you might recall that one of the first things I will say, is that you have already done around 90% of work it takes to help your child move through this challenge well.
Whether it's racism at school, scary medical stuff, a possible separation…your child’s capacity to be with their pain and fear in a healthy way is most determined by their relationship with you.
All of those connection tools that we practice in the healing parents community, are building the relational foundation that little humans need in order to remain open-hearted through even the most difficult news or events.
So before worrying about getting the scripts or words right, remember these two things about relationship and helping your child with hard, scary events:
The connected relationship you cultivate will be immensely helpful to them as they make sense of sometimes unfathomable difficulties,
Scary, painful events are always an opportunity to grow closer to each other.
3. Take the lead.
A big part of the reason why times of uncertainty and loss feel so overwhelming for us as adults, is that as children we needed true leadership in these moments. And didn't get it.
A good flight crew makes all of the difference in how you will experience strong turbulence.
What we needed most in moments of uncertainty, fear, and great sadness, was at least one good leader. One adult we could trust in our gut to guide and be with us through the scary stuff.
This isn't mentioned often by the gentle parenting influencers, and it certainly doesn't sell. But nevertheless, it is undeniably true. Children need good leadership from their parents.
Good leadership that conveys, “you can trust me to keep you safe” through honest and loving limits.
Good leadership that skillfully (and imperfectly) fosters close, trusting and connected relationships.
Good leadership that is honest and present through the losses and fears, big or small.
Good leadership that provides safe and loving containers in which to process grief.
Good leadership that knows the role of play in healing and resilience, and protects the spaces for this to happen.
Good leadership that knows that receiving care and support for one’s own emotions is as important as providing this for your child.
Specifically, when it comes to helping your child through a frightening event, good leadership looks like:
Not waiting to see if a child notices or reacts to change, loss or scary news; but rather taking initiative in addressing the issue your child is probably already sensing anyway.
Not trying to avoid or shield children from difficult information, and yet being wise and discerning about the appropriate extent and means of sharing it with them.
Getting support and listening for the emotions that come up for you around the event. We always need this.
Getting some reflection and guidance with regard to how to address the events with your child. We sometimes need this.
Before I sign off today, there is a final thought that is worth repeating.
I can’t emphasize enough how very much your feelings matter in times like these.
If there is one generational practice I would want every parent to shift for themselves and for their families, this would probably be the one.
Allowing your feelings to matter.
If there is one thing I believe would have made all of the difference in our own childhoods, this is it. Our parents receiving the help and support they didn't get.
Humans need to feel supported well through all of the ups and downs of their parenting experience. It is how we are able to take on the ongoing emotional work and healing opportunities that parenting brings.
Don’t stay alone with your fear and pain. Don’t take it only to people who can’t actually hear you. Or worse make you feel more alone.
Stay open to good, connected, attuned listening and care through the hard times.
It’s out there for you. Our society doesn’t make this such an easy thing to believe. But it’s true.