On empathy and activism as parents
If you want a better world for all children;
If you want to do what you can to contribute to the healing and transformation that is required to acheive this;
and if as a parent, you want your children to feel a sense of agency in changing their world for the better; read on.
How do we show up for ourselves, our children and our entire human family, in a world that seems to get more broken every day?
As you know, humanity is hurting in ways that are devastating reminders to us all, of the many unsustainable and dehumanizing systems that make our world go round.
No amount of previous political knowledge, understanding of oppressive systems or awareness can dull the pain of witnessing the killing and torture of Palestinians that we have been seeing every day for the past six months, to mention one horrifying example.
For many of us, taking action at the same time as others, and in response to an acute and urgent need, carries the hope of a real impact that will sway the tide of action on behalf of decision-makers. We hope for immediate relief at least, and a path towards justice at best.
During times like these, taking political action now–making phone calls, sharing information responsibly, changing our purchasing habits, sending funds, attending a protest–can make a meaningful difference. At the same time, doing these things in a way that is sufficiently informed and responsible, is a not as simple as some might say.
It can also be incredibly challenging to take the right course of practical action, while at the same time making room for the grief (which involves a lot of different emotions) and fear that can arise from what we are witnessing; including the terrible acts of violence abroad, the injustices at home; and political and social climate so polarized, that it can be hard to find your bearings and know what sources of information to trust.
And then, there is the question of how to help our children to make sense of both the suffering of our world, as well as our particular agency and responsibilities to each other as fellow humans.
The answer to these questions involves much more than I can fit into a single blog post; and far more than I could claim to know on my own.
But after years of supporting parents like you, who want to help their children maintain the lens of love, humanity and justice through which they so genuinely see themselves and others…there are two important things I want to share with you today.
Two things kids need from us when it comes to activism: how we treat them, and how we treat our world
The first, is close, connected, RESPECTFUL relationship between you and your child.
A relationship where the child is treated with dignity and the caregiver assumes their responsibilities as the adult in the relationship, is a necessary–albeit insufficient–condition, for helping kids to maintain a lens of humanity and solidarity through which they see themselves and others. And to feel a sense of agency around taking action to make the world a more just place.
Simply put, if a child is seen and treated as a full human, worthy of respect and love, it will be natural for them to continue seeing all living beings in this same light. And if oppressive acts towards our children are named and addressed by us (including when we are the ones who commit these), our children will be able to see the oppression of other humans through a similar lens; as something that must be named and mended.
This helps them to neither feel alone or entirely helpless when they witness injustices (because they know someone–us!–who will care alongside them and take action), nor to ignore them (because, again, they see in us, someone who doesn’t ignore them when they need help).
The second, is your own political education and action as a parent.
Like the above, this is a necessary–and insufficient–condition, in helping kids to maintain a lens of caring and solidarity with others, and to take action to make the world a more just place.
It matters to be continuously learning about the many things we do not know, but that affect our human family. However, I'll insert a word of caution here. There is no need to indoctrinate our children with our conclusions and values from what we learn; in fact, this can actually be counterproductive to the authenticity of their future activism. Their sense of belonging in our homes should not feel contingent on them aligning themselves with our particular political viewpoints. Imposing our values only mimics the very dominant approach that we are trying to undo in our world.
This does not mean that we can’t or should not share our convictions with them (in an age appropriate way). In fact, I believe we should. But remember, the stronger their bond and trust with us is, the more likely it is that our opinions are going to carry weight with them. And the more we model integrity, compassion and authenticity in our own activism, the more likely they are to choose their path of action based on these principles, when they are ready.
They need to be able to choose
For the rest of their lives, the world will often tell our children that their actions and merits are what determine their worth. And when it comes to political action or inaction, they will hear time and again that how they behave will determine their rightness, their goodness, their humanity. This can lead to them feeling shamed, obligated or pressured to act.
But what we get to show our kids (and while we are at it, remind ourselves of) is that while the need for solidarity with our fellow humans will always be necessary–and even urgent–the need for proving your humanity or goodness according to another’s standards never is. And it never was, by the way, even if it felt that way in your own childhood.
It is good to show them how important, impactful and necessary their actions can be. That without action, our ideals and prayers will fall short in actually bringing about the changes we want to see.
But political support or actions that arise from peer pressure, trying to be what others (including one’s parents) say one should be, personal egos or false unity, are not likely to sustain lasting and meaningful work. We are continuously called to allow our children to bring their full consent to the ways in which they show up for their world–and to deepen the integrity and maturity of our own actions–for the sake of the long ride that this labor implies.
Lasting action requires continuous reflection and growth
As in all things healing, it will serve us well to remember that several things can always be true at the same time.
We can embrace the humility of acknowledging what we do not know. We can commit to learning; and accept that the further we are from a situation, the more likely it is that we will never fully know or understand it–and continue to care deeply and act according to what we do know. We can keep listening, to our own intuition, and especially to the voices of those being silenced or oppressed. We can notice and name the oppressive patterns playing out in similar ways all over the world; and at the same time be careful not to overlook a people’s unique story when making historical analogies. We can act boldly to the best of our knowledge and good hearts; and remain committed to learning and being willing to change our opinions. We get to practice being as responsible and impeccable with our word as possible; and also make mistakes and be accountable for them. If we have platforms that reach others, we get to use them in service of a more just world. When we are not directly being subjugated to the same level of poor treatment as another group, we can act in solidarity with them and seek the most effective way to uplift their voices. And when we belong to a vulnerable group being affected by systematic oppression, we can take the time, space and support that we need in order to tend to the pain that arises, as we decide if, how and when, to speak or act. And always, we can learn to hold and see all of the thoughts and feelings that arise within us, even those that do not align well with our values and convictions.
This is a lot to make room for within ourselves, our relationships, our stories. It is a lifetime’s work.
Every healing process has its own timeline. Whether we are healing patterns of dysfunction in our families or oppression in our world. What matters is that we care and do our best right now, knowing that this healing thing is for the rest of our lives.
Allowing ourselves to move continuously between reflection, grief, action, rest, listening and speaking–and in connection with others–is how I believe that we make healing (ourselves, our families, our communities, our world) the sustainable endeavor that it needs to be. And comparisons, perfectionism (trying to do it all at once) and purity competitions, while potentially “effective” in the short-term, are unlikely to help our work to be enduring.
If you have been here a while, you will not be surprised by this final reminder I will leave you with. Your ability to show up with love, clear thinking and authentic regard for yourself, your children and our world, depends immensely on you having the space and the people to listen to all of the feelings that come up as you find your answers. If you don’t have these in place, don’t be hard on yourself for how much more challenging this entire process can feel. And remember that you are not alone, even if it feels that way.
I know you are doing your best. And that more of that best is yet to come.
A few notes:
If you would like to learn from movements led by women of color, that speak directly to the systemic issues that especially affect BIPOC families, here are a few that you can check out: Parenting Decolonized, Latinx Parenting, Untigering.
A personal note:
Before being a healing and parenting coach, I am a fellow human and parent, who honors your sovereignty and trusts in your particular process of connecting with your wisdom. Because of this, I will never conflate good parenting or healing, with you (or anyone) sharing my particular point of view on any social or political issue. This is not the same as me claiming neutrality with regard to politics. Generally, the more I know about an issue, and the more mind, heart, body, material and time resources I will dedicate to it. It will probably not surprise you as a reader of my newsletter to know that I lean far to the left, in favor of liberation and dismantling systems of oppression which I believe are at the root of why most families struggle to live in easeful connection; and that BIPOC and other minorities are too often significantly more affected by this problem than others. It will also likely not surprise you, to learn that for as long as I have known of their situation, my sympathies have been with the people of Palestine and their liberation, an end to the occupation of their territories, and at the time of this writing, an immediate and lasting ceasefire in Gaza. This does not exclude full acknowledgement of the humanity and diversity of stories, experience and political convictions of the people living in Israel. Again, these things are unlikely to surprise you. It might, however, surprise you to know that I am not only a citizen of the United States–born and raised as the daughter of immigrants for 21 years–but I am also a citizen of Mexico and have lived in Oaxaca for the past 18 years. I also lived and worked in a rural village in Paraguay for two years before moving to Mexico. I care about, and see the patterns of the painful effects of colonialism and globalization that run through the stories of people all over the world; and also value the importance of seeing each group and their stories as precious and worth honoring in their uniqueness. I have seen many differences between the experiences of having solidarity with a people and their cause from a geographical distance, living in the day to day context and realities they experience, and of course, belonging to a minority group myself and living first-hand what this implied. All of this has made me committed to being more humble (through a fair share of humbling experiences), thoughtful and intentional with my words, and equally committed to using them to promote the healing and change that we humans are so badly in need of. I am interested in the stories of every parent I work with and where their convictions lie, including when they tell me they don’t consider themselves to be “political” (which is actually a very a political thing to say). I am deeply curious about each parent’s healing path, and honored to join you for any stretch of the journey where my listening and challenging is beneficial to your healing. I do not tolerate hateful or discriminatory attitudes in my community, and believe that all parents have much to untangle internally in order to be able to reduce the tendencies towards child-oppression that creep into our relationships with children. Through my work with parents like you, I have had the privilege of witnessing a growing community of good humans, joining each other on our paths of healing as an act of liberation for ourselves, our children, and our world; and I am in this with you for the long haul.