Kids need a chance to grieve
When we hear the word "grief", most of us think about a big loss. Specifically, the death of a loved one.
But here are two interesting things about grief that you may not know. (And that can have a huge impact on our parenting and relationships):
Grief is a process that can follow any loss.
Even when it comes to a big loss, like death or divorce, the grief process is not necessarily automatic. Meaning, many people can put off grief for years.
Let me explain a little more…
The story of loss, grief and resiliency
When we experience any kind of loss, there is pain.
Here are two examples of the kind of loss we commonly experience:
Sometimes it’s the loss of something we had and cherished deeply. Such as a relationship, a stage in your child’s life or in your romantic relationship, a living arrangement, your body’s capacity for certain activities, a home, etc.
Other times it’s the loss of the hope or idea of something we really wanted. This type of disappointment can feel incredibly painful. It can look like not getting the job you wanted, not being able to have another child, not being chosen back by your romantic interest, not having the kind of family you envisioned yourself having, canceling vacation plans, etc.
All losses, including the kind I mention above, are an invitation to grieve.
And when we choose to lean-in to grieving well, we cultivate resiliency.
But choosing grief can be incredibly hard for many of us.
And here’s why…
When we were little, we were supposed to receive countless opportunities to practice grieving well.
Meaning, all of the little, daily losses and hurts in our lives were opportunities for us to practice grieving.
The cookie we couldn’t have. The tv show we had to turn off. The park we had to leave. The toy we couldn’t buy.
In each of these losses, we could have been met with a moment of compassion for the way it felt to not get what we wanted.
A simple invitation to honor our lost want, with a few lovingly expressed words such as:
“You really wanted another cookie. That’s hard.”
And then, when our tears, frustrations, rage, threats (or whatever other way our body needed to process our pain) needed to flow, we could have continued to receive validation, accompaniment and support. We could have been witnessed in our grief.
This means we would have been seen by our caregivers in all of our capacity to make it through such difficult feelings. And our resiliency would be reflected back to us with no need for words. Because someone had invited us down the path of feeling instead of avoiding. And witnessed us in our capacity to brave through it.
And these little losses, grieved well, would prepare our bodies for the bigger losses. For losing our place as the only child. For the loss of a home with both of our parents in it. For the loss of the best friend who moved away. For the loss of anyone or anything we loved deeply.
We would be prepared not only to lean-in to the grief of these losses. But to seek out our caregivers with the trust and knowing that they would be by our side as we did the hard work of feeling our way through it.
This is the beautiful story of grief as a path to resilience.
But what if we didn't learn to grieve well?
The truth is, that most of us did not receive this type of support.
Our powerful, built-in mechanism to grieve our losses and transform through them was not known and protected by our caregivers (most likely, because they were disconnected from their own capacity for grief).
We did not learn to trust that there is always relief and joy on the other side of the grief.
That there is always hope, even after loss.
But, as many of you who are healing know, it's not too late for us.
You might like this post on how you can support your healing process by accessing your own capacity for grief. As well as how to protect your child’s innate ability to grieve their losses.