Last year I was having lunch with an old friend in California, and she said something to the effect of, “There is this lady I get emails from about parenting. I think she says some helpful things but she sent this email saying that telling your kids about Santa is wrong because it is lying to them. I’m sorry, but that was just taking it too far for me.”

Pretty much everyone in my life shares my friend’s opinion. And I get it. The Santa tradition seems pretty harmless.

In fact, I also get that a lot of people think that it is even unfair or mean to deprive a child of the magic of believing in Santa.

And also, I get why my friend’s “parenting emails lady” said that telling our kids that Santa is real is lying. Well, because, it is, isn’t it?

So, what’s a healing parent who wants to build a connected and trusting relationship with their child to do about the Santa tradition?

Two things to consider if you are wondering how to talk about Santa without lying.

1. You don’t need to lie about him being real in order to do all of the fun Santa stuff.

My daughter and I have played “Santa is coming” every year. We make him cookies, leave carrots out for the reindeer, and write him a letter. We will certainly play again this year, and she’s 8. It still feels magical.

It’s sort of like Mary Poppins. There is a fun dance with imagination and magic when you watch it, and also, you know it's not real. I would never try to convince my daughter that Mary Poppins’ magically infinite bag is actually real. But we can enjoy that imaginary place that watching the movie can take us, and I especially appreciate the metaphor for the ways in which we adults can miss so many things that “are right in front of our noses” that children are often able to see. And just because I don’t try to convince her that what happens in Mary Poppins is real, I certainly am not taking away her right to believe or not believe, or engage with that magic however she would like to.

The same applies to Santa. I’m on her side, happy and willing to make the Santa tradition what she wants to make of it and offering some of my own ideas, too. And honestly, because the tradition isn’t based on her believing that he is actually real, there really is no expiration date on it for us. My reasoning is, why lie if you don’t actually need to?

2. You don’t need to condition your child’s gift from Santa with good or bad behavior. 

In fact, I strongly urge you not to do this.

Connected, respectful parenting is all about relying on a relationship built on trust and unconditional love. When we practice this approach, we do not rely on rewards and punishments to teach children to be naughty or nice (or any other labels such as kind, unkind, etc.). We understand that kindness is inherent to our children’s nature, and that when they behave in ways that are hurtful or unkind, they simply need some help in the form of listening, loving limits and guidance.

If we want to do something good for our children (a treat, a gift, an outing, etc.), we do it because we want to do something good for them. Period. Not because they have proven that they are good enough to deserve it by behaving the way that we want them too.

Why do we try to parent in this way? Because we know that conditioning any sort of reward to their behavior undermines their embodied trust that our love is unconditional. It also teaches them to seek external validation of their goodness, as well as external motivation for “right” or “wrong” behavior; which gets in the way of developing the intrinsic motivation that leads to authentic behaviors. 

As you may notice, the second point on omitting the whole “naughty or nice” part, is far more important than the first, in my opinion.

It’s also the easiest to modify. If you have already told your child that Santa is real, the “he’ll bring you a present if you’re nice” part can be simply removed from the narrative moving forward. I talk more about what to do if you have already told them that Santa is real, below.

A few questions you might have about talking about Santa without lying.

What if I don’t want to be “that” parent?

Yeah, none of us want to be “that” parent. But, honestly, besides my sister’s threatening “your kid better not ruin it for my kid” raised eyebrow when I told her that my daughter didn’t believe in Santa, it hasn’t been a big deal. (And my daughter never ruined it for any of her cousins, btw).

However, it very well might be a bigger deal for people in your family or social circle. But here’s the thing–if you practice connected parenting, chances are you already are “that” parent in some ways.

And just as in parenting, humility and respect can go a long way in all of our relationships. I certainly don’t go around calling out or being judgy with other people for doing the Santa tradition, and frankly most of the people in my life have no idea regarding whether my kid believes in Santa or not.

What if I don’t want my kid to be the one that spoils Santa for other kids?

I get this. And the truth is, if you tell your kid that Santa is not real, they just might spoil it for others.

Of course this is entirely anecdotal, but when I was little, my fundamentalist Christian neighbors told their children the truth about Santa because of their religion. I remember being around 8 and mentioning something about the tooth fairy to the kids, and all of them looking at each other with knowing glances. They really weren’t trying to be mean, and broke the news to me rather gently. In retrospect, I would not have wanted to be in their place nor the one I found myself in. But if I had to choose, I would have preferred to be in the place of feeling like my parents had told me the truth–and given me some guidance, too!

Here’s how I’ve talked to my daughter about not spoiling it for others. “I didn’t tell you that Santa is real because I don’t think he is. But I also want to have fun together with the Santa game! Some parents tell their kids that Santa is real because they want the game to feel extra fun and magical. If your friends tell you that Santa is real, you don’t have to say anything. It’s okay for them to find out later.”

Is this a guarantee that she won’t spoil it? No. Has she spoiled it for anyone? Nope. Would I rather lie to her instead to reduce that risk? Also no.

In fact, she once shared in a very matter of fact way that most kids do believe in Santa, and I asked her if she wished that I had told her that he is real. She thought about it, smiled and said “Sort of. But I would rather know the truth.”

And her opinion on the whole using it to make kids behave a certain way leading up to Christmas? “That’s really mean, why would they do that?” 

What if I’ve already told my kids that Santa is real?

Well, first of all, I am definitely not here to tell you what to do, nor do I think it’s the end of the world to do the whole Santa thing.

But as I mentioned above, from a connected parenting perspective, there really is no need to lie about it, and I strongly urge you not to link the gifts to good or bad behavior.

Here’s are some suggestions that you may find helpful if you have already told your child that Santa is real:

1. Start by removing the “naughty or nice” narrative. Simply stop telling them that Santa won’t bring them something if they aren’t nice.

2. If they are really little, you probably don’t need to do much more than pull back from trying to get them to believe.

3. If they are older, and you now feel uncomfortable about telling them that doesn’t Santa exist, consider telling them the truth. “Santa is a really fun tradition, and I used to think that telling you that he is real would make it more fun and special. But actually, I don’t feel comfortable anymore pretending like I believe he’s real. But we can still pretend together.” 

For some children, learning the truth about Santa can be very sad and disappointing, and for others not so much. Whether they hear it from you, figure it out themselves or find out from someone else, there is no preventing the sadness or disappointment that a child might experience when they learn the truth. As you probably already know, being a good parent isn’t about trying to prevent our children from feeling sad or disappointed, but rather, it's about knowing how to be with them and welcome their feelings in those moments. 

Some kids pretend for much longer than they actually believe in Santa, because they think it's bad not to believe in him (as we see in all of those movies about the virtue of believing in him), and others pretend because they don’t want to let their parents down or stop getting a Santa present. These are entirely unnecessary burdens to carry.

Dear parent, my intention here isn’t to argue with you or convince you to forego the Santa tradition. And it certainly isn’t to make you feel bad.

Rather, I know that sometimes we parents just need some examples of how to do things differently than they were always done–especially when we have chosen to practice connection-based parenting.

To imagine an equally magical, or sometimes even better version of an old tradition, without the parts that feel out of touch with our values.

So if you were wondering, “How can I talk to my kid about Santa without lying?” I hope that this post was helpful.