Doing what we came to do
My bet, is that the moment you experienced the loss of being separated from the safety of your mother's womb, you had your first brush with overwhelm.
And at the same time, you did not question the fact that connection during this loss, was your birthright. Even amidst the fear and loss, you held an embodied trust and hope in an immediate and connected response from your caregivers.
Your eyes probably sought out the comfort of your mother's gaze, while your body knew to reach for the warmth of the arms that could contain your painful transition with love and safety.
You knew with every inch of your being that the thing to do in times of uncertainty, is to seek out a safe other.
And whether you remember or not just how much your tender needs for care were actually met or not in this moment…your body remembers.
You see, from this first moment of separation, your body learned one of it's first associations with loss and pain. Either a story of love and resiliency; or one of isolation and hopelessness.
The truth is, many of us did not get enough of the connection that we needed, enough of the times, in our childhoods. The vital connection that would have reflected our potential back to us, when we needed it most. In our moments of doubt and insecurity, a connected relationship with our caregivers was meant to remind us of our capacity to grow stronger, softer, more loving and more secure through the times of uncertainty and loss.
Which is why, many of us now experience life's challenges with an automatic, embodied narrative that overwhelms us and reaffirms painful and untrue illusions of separateness, helplessness and aloneness.
When this happens, your access to your best inner resources, such as perspective, calm, connection, care, and creativity–the very resources that you need in order to move through the stuckness of overwhelm–becomes blocked.
Which is also why, it is so important to learn another way feel about the fact that you get overwhelmed.
A way that reminds you of what you knew when you first entered this world: that feeling overwhelmed is a signal that you deserve love, and that there is resiliency and rest on the other side of pain.
Because when you change your narrative around how and why you experience overwhelm, you begin to see any challenging situation through the lens of your humanity and worthiness.
That same story of belonging you came into this world with.
And no matter whether this story of worthiness was nurtured or hindered by the early events of your life, you can choose to cultivate it now.
And if you do, you will be able to...
Notice the supportive people and systems in your life. And accept and appreciate these just as they are.
See what is missing from the care you need. And tenderly welcome the feelings of longing for the kind of holding which you never received and continue to desire.
Grieve for what (and who) is not in your hands to change at the moment.
Identify and do what is necessary to take just one step closer to a more supported, connected and joyful reality right now.
Imagine and contribute to a reality where less families feel isolated and more can feel held and supported.
And these things, are how you not only "manage" overwhelm, but turn it into a process of healing towards greater connection for you and your family.
At the end of the day, almost any parenting challenge that I can help you with, will involve meeting your child at the level of their needs. Because when you do this, your child can: rest in the trust of their relationship with you, heal the hurts beneath the rigid behaviors, and get back to the business of moving through the world with open-hearted curiosity, confident authenticity and a deep sense of belonging.
And the same applies to you.
When you meet yourself at the level of your needs, you teach your body a story of worthiness and ease, so that you can get back to what you came to do from day one: experience the safety and joy of a connected life.
This is Healing Parents. I’m so glad you’re here.