It’s supposed to be hard
Did you know that parenting is supposed to be hard?
Even if it weren’t for the relentless pace of life in our capitalistic world.
Or for the policy decisions that make it exhausting for so many families to meet their basic needs.
Or the patriarchal notions of motherhood and fatherhood that can make balance and harmony so hard to maintain in our homes.
Or for our cultural obsession with individualism and the nuclear family.
Even if it weren't for all of the above things that make parenting so much harder than it has to be...
Parenting is actually supposed to be hard emotionally. Really hard sometimes.
It is supposed to grow us up.
It is supposed to radically change us.
It is supposed to show us just how vulnerable we are because of loving someone as much as we do.
It is supposed to shine the light directly on those wounds that still need some care; so that we can tend to them and heal into a life of greater ease and wisdom.
And all of these things call parents to do some really hard emotional work.
Emotional work that, a lot of the times, hurts.
And you know what so many people automatically say next when they learn this?
It sounds something like...
"Parenting is hard emotional work. And I chose to be a parent. Which means it's on me to deal with the messy feelings that come up, and learn emotional regulation skills. Which means, if its hard, tough shit. I chose to (insert particular challenging situation, i.e. "be a SAHM, or be a working mom, or have this many children…the list of ways I have heard parents find to blame themselves for their pain, is endless), and therefore, this job is all on me."
Aaaaaah.
And while many of us openly value self-compassion, many of us also have that harsh internal voice. The one that automatically conflates responsibility and accountability, with self-blame and punishment.
A voice that can pull us down into the depths of aloneness and isolation.
And if we are to change the power we give this critical voice, it will serve us well to get little help from each other, more often than not, in remembering a different narrative.
A narrative that isn't so drenched in the punitive messages found all over our current dominant culture and previous childhood experiences.
A narrative that offers perspective that actually helps us do better.
And one that I believe to be more true.
What if we could start with, “Parenting is supposed to be hardemotionally”, and then, instead of turning against ourselves, we could turn towards our humanity and say, “Which is why parenting is supposed to be supported emotionally”?
It makes sense, doesn't it?
You see, for so much of our time on this planet, humans supported each other not only physically and materially in raising children, but emotionally as well.
This support from others is reminds us that the hard stuff doesn't define our parenting experience. And that there is always another face of the coin with all the good stuff.
Because just as parenting is supposed to be hard, it's also supposed to be really good.
As in the joyful, rewarding, liberating and hopeful kind of good.
And in order to experience this good stuff, and the hard stuff, with a sense of worth, belonging and connection; we need to feel surrounded and sustained by other humans who know how to support us well.
And when we don't have that, the hard stuff can feel way too big.
Which is one big reason why so many parents find themselves overwhelmed.
Many of you wrote to me that the thing you want to learn the most about right now, is how to manage overwhelm.
And there is a lot to say about how to do that, which I will be sharing more about with you over the next few weeks. Because the stuckness of overwhelm can certainly be softened into movement towards rest and ease.
But today, I want to leave you with this simple reflection:
What if parents don’t need emotional help from others because they are overwhelmed (due to some personal failing)? But rather, what if parents are overwhelmed because they don’t have the emotional help they are designed to have in the first place?
And if for today, this is a helpful thing to think, I invite you to remember it as often as you like.
Keep it going, I’m right here with you.