When we lose our worthiness bearings
“No la estoy armando.”
Literally translated, this Mexican expression says “I’m not being able to assemble it”.
Figuratively, it is used to describe a plan or desire that falls through, or some sort of personal “failing”–such as not being a good enough parent (as I have heard even the most loving parents declare at some point or another).
Two days ago, it seemed as if every single person I knew felt that they just couldn’t assemble the ikea piece of furniture that is their lives.
Between consultations, chats with friends, and my own day that unfolded with unexpected events, here are some of the things I heard that day:
“Nomás no la armo.” “I’m not assembling it.” From a mom referring to her long list of things to do: Getting her kid to school on time, deciding whether to support his decision to not do his homework or not (which of the two would damage him the least?!), and her endless list of logistical, admin and personal to-dos.
“I’m overwhelmed and have the feeling that it is impossible to do any of these roles well”. A dad referring to unexpected and massive work deadlines, trying to be a good parent, partner and professional, and realizing it’s been a month since he’s done any exercise at all.
“I just don’t know what to do anymore”. A mom, well-versed in gentle parenting and child behavior, but now wondering if anything is enough for her young child who is experiencing the arrival of a new sibling and expressing her upset through aggressive and rigid behaviors.
And finally, me: “Is anything not good enough for you?!” Ah, the very familiar place I go to when the stressors are too many or too intense. Angry at the world and my child for their high expectations, crushed by the inevitable ways in which I will disappoint and not be good enough. This familiar place that says to me, “Gaby, you are such a disappointment.”
This is what it’s like to lose our worthiness bearings.
It starts with the overwhelm.
Those moments where we suddenly realize that there is just too much going on. Too much to do. Logistically. Emotionally. Mentally.
And we realize that our capacity does not allow for us to do all the things well. It will be impossible to make everyone happy. To meet our own perfectionistic standards.
We are going to disappoint someone. We are going to let our kids down. Our partners, our clients, our friends…And for many, this triggers an underlying fear that we will lose our worthiness of love.
And to the most precious, childlike parts of us–this unworthiness, represents the greatest and most unbearable threat there is: separateness.
And when our bodies perceive a threat, we become disconnected from the resources we most need to get us through the day.
We lose access to our clarity, our creativity, our intelligence, our compassion.
We forget that we are always worthy and connected to others, whether we can feel it or not.
We forget how good we are not only at “assembling” our lives: but at creating, modifying and innovating them into the unique story of growth and connection that we want to write for ourselves.
When we lose our worthiness bearings, we return to stories of lack. Stories where we feel alone, trapped, and with no options.
What to do when we lose our worthiness bearings
Overwhelm is practically inevitable in our society. As individuals and parents, we are left to deal with an unmanageable load of mental and emotional responsibilities.
Here are some ways you can support yourself when you feel overwhelmed.
Name it. Some things we can say to ourselves when we feel overwhelmed are: ”I’m overwhelmed.” “Overwhelm fuels the illusion of separateness.” “This is really hard.”
Remember your connectedness. Things we can say to remember our connectedness: “I am not alone.” “There are people who care about me and would want to help me right now.” “I am unconditionally loved.” “We are always connected, and I can choose to remember that.”
Reach out to an emotionally safe other. Just because we are all connected, does not mean that all of the people in our lives are able to remind us of our connectedness. Reach out to the people who can remind you that you are not alone. And when you share with them, notice what part of your situation hurts the most. Don’t rush to make conclusions or identify causes to the problem. Just take the time to share and notice.
Circle back to your hurts. In another moment, reflect on the factors that contributed to your overwhelm. Let the conclusions settle. Let the answers come. They will.
Make adjustments. Once the emotions are settled and held with love, you will have the perspective to make some changes in your current situation. Small boundaries can have huge impacts.
Steps one and two will be much more powerful if you involve your body. Even simply noticing the sensations that are alive in your body, and where they are happening, can be extremely helpful.
Steps three and four are possible when you have a solid, emotional support system (something many parents find by taking the Healing Parents Course)
You can have all the tools in the world, but togetherness is how you access and use them through the intense ups and downs of life and parenting. And as humans, our most meaningful transformations–even individual ones–happen in the context of our relationships.
Relationship is why we heal, it is how we heal, and it is where we heal.
You are creating the kinds of relationships that will foster these shifts. When you feel overwhelmed or like you just can’t make it happen–remember, that it takes time, it takes learning, and it takes togetherness.
Keep going, you’ve got this.