Are some people more cut out for conscious parenting than others?
Are you cut out for conscious parenting?
I don’t actually expect you to answer that.
I do, however, want to tell you something I assume you already know–that this is a bullshit question.
But. It is a question that regularly rises to the top of our parenting thoughts.
Why do we worry so much about being a good enough parent?
For many of us, when we expressed our wishes and wants as children, our excitement and delight was often met with the message that we had to be good at something in order to want it.
Therefore, we were not met with the message that regardless of whether our wishes were possible, that the desires of our heart mattered. A lot.
We didn’t feel often enough that our caregivers and teachers wanted to know and care for the desires of our hearts.
Most of the time, they wanted us to know what they thought mattered about our dreams.
I remember knowing early on, as a young dancer, that what mattered most was:
whether I was proving to be good at it (I was),
how I looked in my leotards and performances (cute and entertaining enough),
and whether I was good enough to be competitive (I might have been, but was so inhibited by the pressure to do it perfectly, that I always shut down and lost my flow during important performances).
What does it sound like to show a child (or anyone) that the desires of their heart matter to us?
Think about when your child shares something they are interested in or would like to try–a movie they want to see, a sport they want to learn, a hobby they want to begin, a game they want to invent, a celebrity they want to meet, a country they want to visit–anything, really.
Here are some responses that leave room for them to share their hearts with us, and room for us to show our delight and wonder at knowing them better.
“Tell me more…”
“Really? That’s so exciting. Can I help you try it out?”
“Thank you so much for sharing this with me. I’m so glad I know.”
“I wonder how we might make that happen…”
“What parts of this excite you most?”
“Is it okay for me to ask you more questions about it?”
“Is there anyone else you want to share this with?”
“When I want something really bad, I feel a little scared about it too. That’s okay. You still get to try, even if it feels scary.”
“Do you feel ready to try this? Or just want to keep talking about it?”
These types of phrases center the child’s experience of their desires, and convey our interest and allyship in honoring them.
However, we often hear and say things in response to other’s dreams that do not convey this allyship.
Instead, we might hear or say things that impose values of “being good” at something as the prerequisite for wanting or trying it.
“Yes, go for it! Don’t let your fears stop you.”
“I think you could be really great at that.”
“If you put your mind to it, you can do anything you want.”
“I don’t think you have the right body for that sport.”
“You’re so good at swimming, look how quickly you advanced to the next level. You could definitely be a good surfer.”
These types of phrases are not “bad.” However, I invite you to ask yourself what they suggest matters most. What questions do they assume our child is asking us?
Again, they aren’t bad responses. But they aren’t especially helpful in fostering connection and offering ourselves as allies of our children’s dreams, either.
The lie: If it doesn’t come naturally, it’s not for you
As a result of this focus on being good at things, many of us–especially women–internalize that if you aren’t naturally good at something, it isn’t for you.
Many of us have come to believe that there are people who are just good at stuff, and people who aren’t.
And if you are not one of the naturally-good-at-stuff people, don’t bother trying.
We apply this to our relationships, our sexuality, our looks, our motherhood…and the list goes on.
Doing these things “well”, should be effortless.
And if they aren’t effortless, we should make them appear as such.
(Just look at how much work goes into curating social media images and videos to make our lives and motherhood look effortlessly perfect.)
And so, of course, we definitely don’t want to share the desires of our heart with others. Not at least until we know that we can successfully achieve them.
And yet, for most of us, the stuff of our dreams doesn't come “naturally.”
Many of us struggle every single day with the things our hearts most want.
Things like:
Being generous and kind with our loved ones,
Showing up in alignment with the values and goals we have set for ourselves,
Getting the job we want,
Having children at the time and in the way we wanted,
Being healthy,
Having a fulfilling romantic relationship,
Staying on top of the endless amount of daily administrative and logistical tasks,
Enjoying nourishing food with each other,
And the list goes on, and on…
Well no wonder it can be so scary to actually hope for things like joy, meaning, and nourishing connection for our families every day.
No wonder it can be so hard to say we want these things for ourselves.
Here’s the thing though. Even if…
Your childhood or parent wound still hurts often,
You feel burnt out, overwhelmed and easily activated,
Your children’s behaviors or sibling dynamics feel too big to cope with,
Your family structure doesn’t look like you had imagined,
You don’t feel supported by your partner,
You know how you don’t want to parent but don’t feel like you really know how to do it differently,
You struggle with loneliness or unhappiness, even though you are surrounded by people every day.
You get to hope and try for really good things. And not just any good things. The ones that your heart desires. And you get to be really bad at them, and still try for them. And you get to allow others to join you and be intimately involved in supporting you as you do.
Here are some of the beautiful things that other parents like you share when I ask about their desires…
Grounding, joy, ease and presence.
Support and connection with other parents who understand.
Thriving.
Freedom to feel and express ourselves authentically.
Learning together as a family to communicate better and feel more connected.
Abundant safety and the ability to loosen our grip.
Honesty and authentic connection.
Close relationships with mutual love, respect and understanding.
Being the person our child and loved ones bring their worries to.
Having someone to take our worries to.
Confidence and good relationship skills.
Feeling like we have choice.
Do you relate to these? I do.
How can we connect with, and even hope for, our hearts’ desires?
I invite you to start to connect with your dreams by saying you simply want to feel better. That you wan to feel better from the overwhelm that you experience as a human (who also happens to be raising another human).
“I want to feel better. Not just as a parent. But about that issue in my marriage. About that comment my mom made the other day. About feeling left out at the bus stop. I want to feel better about these things.”
And then we take it to the next level.
“When life feels hard, this does not mean I do not deserve ease. When I struggle to love, this does not mean I do not deserve love. When I struggle to give, this does not mean I do not deserve to receive. When I mess up, this does not mean I do not deserve connection.”
And even the next level yet.
“A life of ease is for me, and I welcome it. Love is my birthright, and I will open my heart to it. Connected and lasting relationships with my most loved ones are in my present and future.”
I know that you are doing hard work. I know that you are reading the blogs, following the accounts, doing your very best.
I know that you don’t need me to tell you to try harder.
But perhaps, you just need someone to remind you that you are allowed to try, but perhaps as Aundie Kobler says, try softer. And not for what others have said will make you a better person or parent. But for what your own heart wants.
You get to try, and keep trying. And that’s healing while parenting.