Parent Guilt. What if it’s not such a bad thing?
When something bad happens and a child’s self-talk says “this is all my fault”, they are telling themselves a story rooted in blame and unworthiness.
If they are to learn a story based on worthiness and compassion, they need to hear it from us. Often.
A story that de-centers the question “Who is to blame?”, and opens the door to questions like,
“What happened? How do I feel about what happened? Do I need a little help with how I feel about this situation? What do I want to do now?”
In times of struggle, these questions help us to remember:
I am always lovable no matter what I do.
When I mess up, I can receive love, acceptance and help.
When I feel like something happened because of me, that might not be the case.
Feeling guilty doesn't mean I have to figure it out on my own.
(For more specific ideas on how to help your child with their guilt, check out this post.)
Unfortunately, most of us didn’t learn these things as children.
Instead, we learned a story about guilt that may be getting in the way of our authentic parenting intentions today.
We learned that finding fault, really mattered.
From schools, to churches to social media, finding who to blame and punish is how most problems are dealt with in dominant culture.
No wonder as parents we find it so easy to blame ourselves when things go wrong.
On top of that, how many of us grew up in homes where placing blame was the immediate response to even the most minor mistakes?
Most of the parents I talk to did.
Here’s what placing blame might have sounded like in our homes growing up…
“Who started it?”
“Why did you let them do that to you?”
“Well where did you leave it?”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“You made me so angry.”
“It’s your mess, I’m not going to help you clean it up.”
“This is all my fault.”
“Uh, I’m such a loser, I really messed this one up.”
Whether these statements were directed toward us, toward others, or overheard as self-talk, they all ask or answer the same question: who is to blame for the pain?
It’s as if answering these questions will somehow make the pain better, or help it to go away.
Oftentimes, when we most needed help as children, we were met with a judgment that reaffirmed our own fault in our problems.
“Water got in my eyes at swimming lessons.” “I told you to pack the good goggles, didn’t I?”
“I’m cold.” “Why did you choose to wear shorts?”
“Lara said mean things to me at school.” “Why do you let her treat you like that?”
In other circumstances, we didn’t hear anything at all. We were simply left to make sense of the painful event on our own.
And in that aloneness, we often concluded that we were to blame.
Perhaps, for example, in middle school, a friend didn’t want to hang out with you anymore. And you didn’t feel you had anyone to talk to about it. What kinds of conclusions might a tender 11 year old come to on their own about why that happened?
Left to our own devices, many of us learned that blaming ourselves could
provide an explanation for the painful events that occurred,
allow us to make the necessary changes to preserve our most precious relationships (I’ll act aloof with my friends and see if they let me back in),
allow us to avoid the pain of loss, or the threat of loss (if I don’t lose my things so much, I won’t feel the disapproval of my parent).
We learned a story of guilt as love.
Focusing on what we did wrong, and figuring out how to do it right, gives us the false sense that preserving our most precious relationships is entirely in our hands.
Because of this, many of us believe that blaming ourselves for others’ emotions, problems, and behaviors, is a form of love.
And therefore, controlling, fixing or repressing ourselves, means love too.
And we love our kids.
So very much, we love our kids.
And because we love them, we are likely to experience guilt simply thinking about hypothetical pain that they could experience.
When they hurt, we hurt in a way that can feel unbearable.
Perhaps if we just take our guilt to the next level, and blame ourselves, we will find the way to fix that pain away.
This is where we conflate our responsibility to care for our children, with an unrealistic expectation of ourselves to be perfect.
An expectation that causes us to inflict a lot of guilt and blame on ourselves.
But you see, the problem with blaming ourselves, is that it usually results in futile attempts to change ourselves–or defensive and resentful thoughts towards ourselves, our children or others.
We oscillate between blame stories such as:
“I’m a terrible parent and it’s my fault” or “they are being a terrible child and it’s my fault (or theirs)” or “my coparent is terrible”…and the blame game goes on.
No middle ground. No nuance. No humanity.
Which means, no connection.
And when we are disconnected from ourselves, our stories of guilt and fear will cloud our ability to see the child in front of us. To connect with them.
And they need connection with us in order to remember their goodness. Especially in those moments where they are telling themselves a story of their badness.
Connection is the redemptive balm that all humans need when we are hurting and questioning our worth.
So what to do?
Invite guilt to help your relationships in a healthy way
Many of you are probably familiar with parts work, or Internal Family Systems.
One reason I teach parts work to parents, is that it shows us that there are many parts (sub-personalities or inner children) within each of us.
Ever since we were very young, these parts have taken on roles, emotions and beliefs to help us navigate our relationships.
These parts learned early on to preserve our precious attachments (such as the one to our parents), through certain beliefs, feelings (like guilt or shame) and behaviors.
The problem for many of our parts (or inner children), is that they are holding onto beliefs and behaviors that we learned in childhood.
When it comes to guilt, these beliefs can sound like:
“I did something wrong, so there must be something wrong with me.”
“Something bad happened, so I must be bad.”
And this kind of thinking leads to behaviors like grasping, shutting down, blaming or defensiveness.
Not exactly behaviors we want to bring to our parenting–or any relationships that we value.
So how do we change this pattern?
Befriend your guilt.
Or, befriend your guilty parts, is more like it. :)
What if you stopped seeing guilt as a useless or negative emotion? Could you appreciate it for the job it’s trying to do for you?
When you experience guilt, it is one of your inner parts saying something like, “I feel really bad and responsible for this bad thing that happened (or might happen).”
Because these parts are usually very young still, their fears and beliefs can get very big, very fast–and overwhelm us.
The good news is, you can bring care, safety and information to these younger parts of yourself.
Here’s how.
If you have never done parts work, you can begin to do this by curiously and lovingly asking the part of you that feels guilty, questions like, “What would you like me to know? What are you afraid of? Is there anything you need from me?”
Speak to that part of you the way you would to a child you love. Thank them for the hard work they have been doing for you.
And listen to what they have to say. (Yes, I am saying talk to yourself.)
Getting to know your guilt will offer a lot of insight into the kind of parent you want to be.
It will remind you of your values.
It will help you to facilitate effective repair when necessary.
It will help you to address outdated beliefs from your childhood. And bring healing information and compassion to the parts of you that are holding onto them.
It will allow you to cultivate a capacity to be with your pain, instead of trying to make it go away.
If you would like to explore this kind of parts work together, you can book a discovery call to learn more.
Be compassionate with yourself.
When you experience guilt:
Remember that you are always doing your best with what you know and have right now.
There isn’t a bad bone in your body.
Always start with compassion, because it reminds you of the truth.
The truth that you are a deeply good human.
And then, assess.
You may realize that you need to make some changes within yourself, or facilitate repair with your child. Or, you may decide that you need some extra support or resources to help you with a challenging situation. Or, you might realize that you don’t need to feel guilty for the situation, and give yourself a break.
But whatever you decide, let it come from a place of compassion for yourself.
It’s the difference between
“I keep being distant and cold with my child, I really need to get some help so I can stop being so horrible.” and,
“I notice I was acting distant with my child all day. I’m feeling overwhelmed and clearly I need some good care and support.”
Try to talk to yourself in the compassionate way of the latter example.
Don’t stay alone with your guilt.
The above suggestions rely on the very thing that brought us to conscious parenting in the first place: good, healing relationship.
We need our stories to be held gently by a safe and loving other.
This is why having an emotional village is so necessary if you are healing while parenting.
Turning generations of stories rooted in lack, into stories of abundance, connection and freedom–is no small endeavor.
Believing that you matter, your voice matters, your feelings matter–is one of the most powerful shifts that we can ever make. It is the most important step towards the felt sense of worthiness we so desire for our children. It is something that we parents must not neglect to secure for ourselves.
This is why togetherness is a fundamental pillar of the Healing Parents Approach: Tools, Togetherness, and Transformation.
It’s the hardest step to take for some, but once you do, it becomes the sustaining force of transformation.
This, is healing while parenting.