Let me tell you about this great Mom
“And I really recognize how lucky I was too because there are people who are statistically quite similar to me, who had statistically very deviant outcomes from my own, and that’s not just because I’m intelligent or clever or special. It’s random. It’s very random.”
“You did have that great mom, too.”
“I did, and for me, that wasn’t random. That was a thumb on the scale.”
Dear Reader,
A few days ago I heard Baratunde Thurston talk about his mother, Arnita Thurston.
As I listened to him speak about his "great" mom, who is “a north star of his story”, I felt so many things coming up within–amongst them, a gratitude to him for sharing about her, and a deep curiosity and admiration for her as a mother.
I was also reminded of you.
Before I explain why, let me share more of what Thurston had to say about his “great mom”.
“So D.C. was wrong in many ways. My childhood was wrong. There were things that occurred that shouldn’t have, and I was so lucky. My mom’s childhood was way more wrong than mine. My sister’s childhood was way more wrong than mine, but whatever happened in those moments for them created them, created my relationship with them, puts me here with you today to be able to reflect on it, and I can still move with joy and so did they. My sister continues to, and my mom did. She, with all of her trauma of sexual abuse and so much that happened in her childhood and the political activities, she saw a possibility and she exposed me to that as well and didn’t just live in the category of victim or hurt. She explored the category of healing and empowered, and I got to see that.”
I want to stop for a minute, and mention some of the things that he did NOT say about his mother.
He didn’t say, “My mom’s nervous system was always so regulated”, or
“I had such a conscious, mindful and healed mamma”, or
“My mom never got overwhelmed with the weight of our circumstances”, or,
“My mom knew all the parenting tools”, and especially not,
“My mom sacrificed herself so much for us.”
I can’t be sure that he would not have said any of these, but my point is, that in telling this story of real motherhood, he did not need to.
Her story did not need to be reduced to these ideas that the media markets to us as the markers of being a “great parent”.
There is something so much more human in what Thurston has to say about his great mom.
“My mother was a seeker. I think she was looking for healing. She was looking for some explanation of what she had been through in terms of the difficulties in her life. She was always interested in the evolution of herself and connecting with the higher power.”
And this is why listening to this interview, made me think of you.
Because if you are here, I am guessing you have chosen the path of healing.
That you know there is something more to all of this than just doing something about your triggers.
That you are more than a nervous system that needs to be regulated.
That you are not a robot that needs to be reprogrammed for gentleness.
That you are not doomed to live with the weight of your past.
That you are not beyond hope.
Even when loud stories of powerlessness reach their highest volume in your moments of overwhelm.
I wonder what Thurston’s mother did when she felt overwhelmed. I don’t know, because he didn’t talk about that.
But I do know that she sought out, and leaned into community time and again. It doesn't sound like seeking out those who were perfectly, 100% aligned with a rigid political or religious ideology is what guided that choice. I don’t know (and I sorta doubt) that she did it because she saw it as some sort of hack in order to benefit from what research says about our greatest human need being connection; and that the most overwhelming pain we can experience comes from a sense of disconnection. But I do know that she actively sought and belonged to meaningful communities of mutual support.
I know that while she did not seem especially religious, she had trust that there was something more for her and her family. I don’t know that she believed in a particular version of God, per se. But she clearly knew there was something more.
I think that despite a fragmented society and a history of traumas and great loss, she was able to know that her wholeness and humanity mattered. Perhaps she had just enough of a mirror from someone, who was able to see and reflect this inner knowing of hers.
I am willing to bet that something inside of her knew that she was perfectly designed for the safety, comfort and playfulness of a connected life. And she sought out the places and people who would remind her of that.
I know that time and again, she was willing to bet on herself, despite the odds.
Which I have no doubt, is how she raised a child who was willing to bet on himself.
And willing to bet on humanity, and work towards a different world, even in our most broken moments.
Perhaps you know you are on the cusp of a necessary change. Perhaps you feel entirely lost. Maybe you know something needs to give, or that you need some more skills. Maybe you are just too tired to know anything right now.
Whatever you are feeling, remember that you and your family are worth betting on. Keep going, this is good work that you have chosen. And it is worth it.