Imagine if your parents had done this one thing
It is totally human, and this can be especially true in parenting, to feel more impacted by our struggles, by what is going “wrong”, or what hurts. The shame or guilt over having had one streak of irritation, anger or inability to access our calm with our children, can haunt us for days; while the satisfaction and encouragement of having hit it out of the park with a parenting “win” seems to fade almost immediately.
On a survival level, we are designed to think this way- to focus on the threat or the negative. Most of us have a very skilled and loyal inner critic, doing their very best to keep us on track by reminding us of our shortcomings.
And so if we are to thrive, we must also remember that it is necessary to help ourselves out with a little bit of perspective, with some conscious reminders of our entire situation, and not only what feels like failure.
Here is a little perspective reminder for us today.
What if your parents had been able to do just one of the many new and challenging things that you are practicing with your child? Not done perfectly, or from the time you were born, necessarily- but at some point, had known about and committed to the practice, unlearning and messing up required to do these things.
What if even one of your parents had…
Apologized and facilitated accountable and loving repair, after treating you poorly, or...
Asked you for a few minutes every day to simply be with you as you do or talk about whatever matters most or feels best for you in that moment, or...
Accompanied you through difficult emotions and “bad” behaviors in a way that conveyed safety, confidence in the total human naturalness of it all, and trust in your infinite goodness, or…
Taken the time and had the support to try and make sense of their own stories, and also to help you make sense of how those stories sometimes made it challenging for them to be the parent they want to be to you. What if they did this with the intention of helping you to understand that their shortcomings were a product of their story, and not an indicator of your behaviors or worthiness?
Just one of these things would have made an enormous difference in my childhood.
And here we are, trying to do several, or all of them, and more.
For every time you feel like you are repeating what you swore you never would, there is a whole set of intentions and work behind just how much you are changing too.
It isn’t about erasing every single part of us that carries patterns from our past. It is about doing the work to create the kind of relationship with our children that can withstand the perfectly human imperfection of their parents, family, culture and society.
To be discouraged is a part of it. To choose to bring in perspective is also.
Take it slow. Keep it honest. And don’t forget to say thank you- to you.