Honest parenting and raising authentic children
At one point in my healing journey, I realized how much of what I had believed and done in life had been because I thought that I “should” believe and do certain things. I remember feeling so free when I was able to see that the major points of confusion and despairing pain in my life, were simply the result of having learned to live in this conditioned way – and that I could peel back those layers and make my way back to my truth.
While I was not hoping to find a life of pure happiness, I was ready to leave behind unnecessary suffering and the underlying belief that I was not good enough or worthy of happiness.
As I embarked on my journey of peeling back the layers, I realized that it is a far more intricate, winding and beautiful one than I had ever imagined. I came to see that freedom does not await at some final point; but rather, the choice itself, to see and know myself, with guidance at times, and rest at others, was what had already set me free. The process of unpeeling layers looks more like seeing, accepting and loving each one of them, as they reveal my stories, show the places that need my care, and open the path that connects me time and again with my inherent goodness – the wisdom, the calm, the compassion that have always been within and always will be.
Another realization that came from this process, was that my daughter would inevitably develop her own layers, her own ways of being and acting in order to find her place in this world. I know that there is nothing I can do to keep her from developing voices in her head that tell her that fitting in matters a lot, and that she needs to do certain things in order to be accepted.
But at the same time, it has been extremely liberating and empowering to know that I can give her something that I rarely received in my own upbringing – the missing piece that would have helped me to experience the loving, honest and truly close relationships that would reflect my worthiness of love back to me.
This gift that we can give our children, is to help them maintain their familiarity and relationship with that authentic truth within.
As they explore this world, they will want to fit in because they will be influenced and conditioned by their environment. They are evolutionarily designed to want to belong and be with others, and this is a beautiful thing. They will learn to understand and often ask themselves “What is the appropriate thing to do right now? What do my friends and family want from me? How should I act?”
And it is not our job to keep them from asking these externally-motivated questions. It is our job to show them that there are other questions that they can and must ask themselves too, such as “What feels right, honest, and true for me?”
Like so many aspects of parenting, we cannot train our children to ask themselves these things. It is in who we are to them, what we model and the space we leave for them to connect with and act on their own truth that we allow them to cultivate a relationship with themselves that nurtures this type of asking.
How often, when surrounded by others, do you stop to notice how you are feeling in that moment? How your body feels in the presence of another, how your body feels them?
How often, when you are with your child, do you stop to see them through the lens of curiosity, and just wonder silently, what it is that they are experiencing in that moment?
How often, when your child is pursuing their wish, do they turn to you and find a gaze of delight and complicity in your eyes?
Being able to create a culture of authenticity in our homes, requires intentionality and a commitment to loving and healing all of that which we have learned to think and do in order protect ourselves by hiding our truth from ourselves and others.
It is not always an easy path, and no two journeys are the same – but it is worth it.
Take it slow. Keep it honest. And keep going.