Does your caring translate into the help that your child needs?
Here’s a really important two-part truth that I want you to remember often.
The first part is that no matter what your child’s off-track or rigid behaviors, words or thoughts are; these behaviors always mean that they need to receive some help and listening from the right person.
And the second part, is that no matter what your own off-track or rigid behaviors, words or thoughts are; these behaviors always mean that you need to receive some help and listening from the right person.
Okay, we got the first part down, right? When anyone, big or small, is acting rigidly, unkindly, aggressively, distant, cold, anxiously, etc., this always means they need some help and listening. From the right person.
So now you might be asking yourself, what does "help" look like?
And what to do when you can’t deliver or receive the help that is needed?
Here are a few answers for you based on connected parenting.
What is actually helpful to humans when we are behaving poorly?
I’ve listed below some actions that can be extremely helpful to our children when they are thinking, saying or doing things that, deep down, they really don’t want to be doing.
In other words, when they show up in life in ways that do not serve them well.
Here’s the thing though. The actions below, need to come from the right person. For a child, the right person should be their trusted caregivers–not their peers, siblings, pets or unsafe adults.
Another thing to consider, is that these actions do not uniformly apply to every situation. In fact, any of them, when taken for the wrong reasons–for example, to get your kid to do something instead of to bring them the help that they are needing with their feelings–can actually make a child feel worse. Which is likely to move them further away from their sense of safety, center and ability to think well.
Basically, if it doesn’t feel like help, it’s probably not.
So how do you, as the caregiver, make sure that you are actually bringing help to your child when their behavior is off?
In other words, how you link the help you are bringing, to the need they are having?
Generally, you do this by stopping to notice what is really going on for them.
Which is why the first step in providing help for our kids when they are off-track, is always going to be to…
Listen first. Stop and really see them. See that they are having a hard time, and that they aren’t able to make their way out of it on their own.
Sometimes, connect by bringing a limit (boundary).
Sometimes, connect through play.
Sometimes, connect by holding space.
Listen until the end.
Basically, it’s a connection sandwich. Listen, connect (through limits, play, and/or holding space), and then listen.
Perhaps you notice that your child is being really mean to you, insulting every single thing that you do and insisting that you do it the way they want you to. You might connect by bringing a limit by saying, “You don’t like the way I cut the toast. I’m sorry about that. And I can’t give you a different piece of toast today. But tomorrow we can do it differently.” And then, when they proceed to tell you off and cry in frustration, you can listen to their feelings until they finish moving through them.
You see, their rigidity around the toast (and everything else that morning) is how they ask for help. It is how they let you know that they are having messy feelings on the inside that need to be seen. And when you set a warm, loving limit, you provide them with the opportunity to release those feelings.
And remember, YOU, the parent, need this connection sandwich also when you are hurting! To be seen and treated with compassion and caring in your moment of ugly behavior. To receive the healing help of connection. And then to be heard as you let your feelings move through so that you can return to your center.
Unfortunately, a lot of time in this individualistic and intensive culture of parenting that most of us find ourselves in, it's going to be solely on you to give this help to yourself. It will also be on you to have the right people and spaces in place to reach out to. I don't think it should be this way for families, but I don't want to pretend that it's not either.
I’ll talk more below about what to do when you can’t get this help. But for now, the important thing to remember is that you do need the help, and you are deserving of it. The most effective attitude when you are showing up poorly as a parent, is an attitude of love, where you can see that you are deeply good, and just need a little help.
What is NOT helpful when we are behaving poorly?
Now you'll find below some actions that are very likely to make the root cause of your child’s off-track behaviors even worse.
Saying or doing these things to a child when they are in a bad mood or in an outright fit of rage, may achieve a short-term “snapping out of it”–but they do not address the human need for connection, listening and care that will actually get to the bottom if it.
In the long-run, the below actions are most likely to only reinforce the sense of disconnection which is driving their off-track behavior in the first place.
Taking these actions as a parent can also lead to an accumulation of frustration and resentment towards you and the world, on behalf of your child.
They can also create a diminished sense of trust in others. As well as a lack of trust in their own capacity to reconnect with their sense of goodness, ease and clear thinking after experiencing moments of “bad” thoughts or behaviors.
These are all pretty good reasons for avoiding addressing their off-track behaviors with…
Teaching, explaining or lecturing
Making them explain, label or describe their feelings
Trying to distract from the off-track behavior instead of address it
Trying to force a different more "positive" or "productive" behavior, attitude or mindset
Shaming or blaming
Punishment through isolation, words or causing physical pain or discomfort
Please note that all parents will do these things with their children from time to time. But when we recognize the effects of these actions, and commit to using more helpful ones, we are able to create enough trust to repair the ruptures and heal the hurts that we cause when we miss the mark.
And speaking of when we do miss the mark–when we are messing up. None of the the actions listed in this section will bring you the help that you need either.
When you are feeling like you can go from irritated to raging at your kids in .5 seconds–it will not serve you in that moment to read an article on how rage works (perhaps later it will help, but not in the middle of your moment of upset). It won't help either to have someone else telling you–or to be telling yourself–that you shouldn’t be feeling that way. This is why repeating mantras that bypass your feelings don’t tend to have a lasting effect. Neither will hurting yourself through harsh self-talk or other forms of self-punishment.
And so it makes sense, doesn’t it, that it also won’t be very helpful to reach out to people who tend to judge, advise, therapize, compare, shame or change you–when what you are needing is some support.
What about when we can’t give or get the help we need?
Unfortunately, many of us learned when we were little, that when we have messed up, we are on our own with the consequences. “You made the mess. You pick it up.”
Which, years later can sound like…
“You wanted to have another kid. You deal with the stress of raising three.”
“You wanted to stay at home with the kids. You figure it out.”
“You wanted to leave the marriage. You figure out solo parenting.”
“You are being an asshole to your kids right now. You need to fix your shit.”
"You wanted to live far away. You deal with expensive childcare."
So it can be hard in the first place, to even associate the moments where we feel like we are failing, with the idea that we simply need help. That we are really good humans doing are best, and that we need a little help. That someone would want to listen to our struggle. And to see our messy behaviors through a lens of compassion that says, “Of course you’re acting that way. You are hurting. Anyone would feel and act that way in your position right now.” That someone might say, “Here, hand it over to me for as long as you need. I can hold it with you. We’ll get through this.”
And we certainly didn't learn that getting help and being compassionate with ourselves is actually the most productive thing to do in terms of changing course in the direction of our values.
Being responded to in this loving and helpful way when we are feeling like a bad person can seem unimaginable. And this makes sense.
When we were little and tipped over a cup, most of us didn’t hear, “Shoot, that water spilled. Oh you’re all wet. Let’s get you some dry clothes first, that must be uncomfortable. And then we’ll see about cleaning this up.” Or when we wanted to scream and flail, nobody listened to our rage with presence and loving words such as, “I’m right here. I won’t let you hurt me, I’ll keep you safe.” Our caregivers didn't likely even know how to remain by our side when we needed to move through a hard storm of rage and into the soft and healing tears of sadness.
But whether our caregivers knew how to deliver this help or not–we needed to receive it, enough of the times, in order to believe that even when we mess up–especially when we mess up–we are deeply good, capable and able to make amends. And that someone is there to help, because messing up and making our way back to good, is hard to do alone.
And so, since most of us didn’t learn this–the first thing we need to do now when we find ourselves being awful towards ourselves or others, is to acknowledge that we could really use a little help.
And when that help feels hard to access–either within ourselves, or from another–we might be faced with some pretty painful dissappointment. We may find our partner’s absence–or judgemental presence–to feel devastating. “I just need some help, and instead I’m just being criticized.”
But it is especially in those moments where we are messing up–often overtaken by feelings of irritation or anger, or finding ourselves closed-off or distant–that we need to practice choosing the assumption that we do need and deserve care. Even if the people around us don’t know how to deliver it when we need it. And even if in the moment we can’t access it on our own.
Why? First, because you are worthy of it. And second, because acknowledging that you need some help is a first step towards effectively getting that help for yourself. You welcome it on an energetic level. You become more pragmatic about incorporating it into your life. And you get better at returning to your center, your clear thinking, and a sense of ease and connection.
Sometimes, when a child acts off-track, the very behaviors that are their cry for help–will be the same ones that make it really hard for you to deliver it. Think whining, spitting, insulting, eye-rolling, to name a few.
And those are the times where you can both acknowledge what they need and recognize the reality of your capacity in the moment by saying, “I’m sorry I can’t help you with your feelings right now.” (Thank you Hand In Hand Parenting for that golden line.)
And we can say this to ourselves, too. “I’m sorry help isn’t here. I really need it.”
“Meeting your own needs” and “filling your own cup” in order to be a good parent, is an unfair and unsustainable expectation to place solely on yourself, all the time. Self-regulation skills can be incredibly helpful when we are feeling overwhelmed or triggered. But I don’t believe we are meant to have to self-regulate as often as most of us do every day. So it can be validating to remember that when the emotional charge is high, you need the right person in your life. Someone you can call to mind or call on the phone, who can actually listen to you, connect with you, and keep listening. In this community, that person is often a Listening Partner.
Having this type of supportive presence in your life can be the definitive game-changer in making your conscious parenting endeavor a sustainable one. Your kid needs just one person in their life who can do this for them, enough of the times. And so do you.
One of my most tender hopes as a mother, is that because of how I treat her when she is at her worst, my daughter will choose the right people in her life to support her in times of struggle. And that when she is 18, 25, or 52 years old; whether I am still around or not–that I will be one of the people she thinks to turn to when she is feeling terribly about herself. I want her to know in her bones that our relationship is where she will find the listening, the connection, and the help that can go on as long as she needs them, while she remembers her way back to her sense of worth, belonging and goodness. Even in her messiest moments.
If you share this hope for your relationship with your child, I encourage you to surround yourself with people who’s way of being in your life helps you to remember the two-part truth which I will write out for you again:
No matter what your child’s off-track or rigid behaviors, words or thoughts are; these behaviors always mean that they need to receive some help and listening from the right person.
And no matter what your own off-track or rigid behaviors, words or thoughts are; these behaviors always mean that you need to receive some help and listening from the right person.
And speaking of support that feels like help…
My annual free webinar is coming up on September 13 and 22!