Do you need a lot of money to do conscious parenting well?
Ever since the Surgeon General’s Advisory on the Mental Health and Well-Being of Parents came out a few weeks ago, people are finally talking about the immense pressures of being a parent in today’s world.
I want to highlight one particular statistic:
“In a 2022 survey, one-in-four US parents reported that there had been times in the past year when they didn’t have enough money for basic needs like food, rent, health care, or child care. Two-thirds of parents are consumed by financial worries.” - @u.s.surgeongeneral
As a single, separated, entrepreneur mom, I can definitely speak to this one personally. And also, because one of the core values of my business is accessibility, a lot of parents in this community participate on scholarships and I hear how financial stress affects your journeys every day.
Now, before I let you fill in the blanks of what my “single-parent” predicament looks like–which could mislead you to believe I struggled more than I have–I want to acknowledge the level of privilege that did allow me to even decide to be an entrepreneur.
For my entire life, my parents had small businesses. Many of you know that my dad was a gardener and my mom was–and still is at 72–a house cleaner. And they did very well financially.
So while I didn't grow up wealthy, I also didn't pay for my 4-year university education at UCSD, and I have no student loans. Fun fact-my parents had a mutual savings group with a few of their “compadres and comadres” which I later found out paid for my university studies.
And while my parents were not wealthy, their support during my early years gave me the advantage of starting my business with zero debt.
I’m sharing this because even though I didn't bring any sort of financial inheritance to this business–I also don't want to act like I had less of an advantage than I did.
And one final note on the advantage they gave me, and perhaps the most meaningful, was the huge privilege of being the child of parents who earned their money in a pretty honest way. I never had to grapple morally with my life being financed by an iffy industry, disproportionately unfair advantages given to my parents, or unethical practices on their behalf. In high school I certainly didn’t see it this way–I remember being embarrassed when my dad would pick me up in his truck, because everyone at my all white, upper class high school would know that he was a gardener. But years later, I cherish the privilege of integrity that my parents gave me.
And giving us the life he did, certainly came at a cost to my dad. He spent countless nights awake at 3 am, wondering if he had bitten off more than he could chew with the house he had purchased, the neighborhood they chose to live in, and the costs that the education and social inclusion of his three daughters implied.
Despite my parents' best intentions to prevent me from ever struggling with money, this story of financial worry and doubt is one that I came to know far better than I ever thought I would.
As I was saying at the start of this email, I began this business with no seed money. No big old chunk of cash given to me, or significant savings.
Which meant, sooner or later, I had to go into debt. And I’m not talking about “debt is a good thing!” type of debt that you strategically choose to acquire when you are financially comfortable.
I am talking about knowing that some of your basic costs will have to be financed by debt, and trying to be as smart about what to put on the credit card, what to take out a loan for, and how to avoid the banks breaking you with interest charges.
You see, running a legally compliant business well, is actually very expensive. Which means, when you have no seed money, the first years are tight. And it’s hard to know who to talk to about this–although there are plenty of business and money coaches who are willing to do it if you’ll take on more debt to pay them!
And so for the past few years, during the days, I have so much expansive perspective. I can see that Healing Parents is not only growing in new paid subscribers and course participants–but that ongoing participation is high. Meaning, most people like it here, and decide to stay. These trends show me that not only is Healing Parents a supportive and sustainable community for its members; but that it is a promising path for me to sustain myself and my family financially.
And yet, once in a while, you will still find me up at 3 am, crying as I watch my daughter sleep. Catastrophic thoughts running through my mind like, “What if I got really sick? I don’t think I can afford to. Would I die because I can’t cover all the costs of getting sick? Am I being a shitty parent because I chose to be single and start this business on my own?”
Fortunately, because I have learned to share my fears with safe listeners, my capacity to help myself through those difficult nights has grown exponentially.
Which reminds me of the reflection I shared at the end of my Hand In Hand Instructor Certification program years ago. A reflection that is as true today, or more, than it was back then.
And it is this…
That despite all of the doubts, questions and fears that arise. And despite the financial consequences of the choices I have made. And despite the many stressors that the world–especially our incredibly unfair economic system–places on me as a mother, I know how to give my kid what she needs.
I am damn clear on how to meet her needs and how to meet my needs in such a way that I'm able to face these big choices with an ever-growing degree of confidence and clarity about my values, and about where I want my life to be. And about where I want my life to go.
And while all I see are big fancy kitchens and beautiful homes in the backgrounds of about 95% of parent coaches and mommy bloggers videos and curated lifestyles…
I know that I don’t–and you don’t–need those in order to be a damn good parent.
Yes, life is significantly harder when you don’t have enough money.
But it is untrue that struggling financially means that you don’t deserve a connected and lasting relationship with your child. It is untrue that our culture’s obsession with the nuclear family means that you can’t meet your child’s emotional needs if you deviate from it (and it is also untrue that this arrangement is the ideal for meeting your own and your child’s emotional needs).
Again, I acknowledge 100% that we do need money in order to survive in a capitalistic society. I charge for my services and expect everyone who can, to pay for what you consume here. And in the small ways and to the extent that I can, I try to avoid that anyone who really needs the support and wants to do the work, miss out on my offerings because of financial limitations.
But in the end, none of the things that we need in order to make it in a capitalistic world will matter much if we don’t know how to value, attend to and meet our children’s needs. As well as our own. And if we don't know how to help ourselves so that we're moving in the direction of what our hearts really want. Or if we don’t even know how to identify those heart-driven longings.
And that is so much about why we do this. That is very much what healing while parenting is about. Parenting from a place of knowing our worth, and of connecting with the abundant depths of our capacity–despite a world that runs on messages of scarcity and lack.