Feeling easy to love
We all struggle to feel loving towards our kids at times. We may even have entire seasons where it feels particularly hard.
And we know that their default is to wonder if there is something wrong with them when they notice that we are off.
That's a lot of responsibility on our end.
And also...
...we don’t need to always feel loving towards our children, in order for them to feel that they are easy to love.
We just have to have a little intention and know-how to show them often enough.
Delight in them.
Imagine your partner joining you in an activity that you love, but that they feel pretty indifferent about. Perhaps a certain genre of movies that you really enjoy. Now, imagine them wanting to go with you to one of those movies. And while you are watching the movie, you realize that they are watching youwith a look of tender delight. How would it make you feel to be seen with this gaze?
Or imagine yourself stressing out about something and realizing you are not at your best. And looking up to find a partner or friend’s warm eyes of appreciation as they notice your moment of struggle. A look that says, “I see you, and I am here to help.”
Or try going back to when you were a child. Perhaps doing the simplest of things like looking out a window. And turning around to find your parent gazing at you with a gentle look of sheer admiration and appreciation.
These are moments that we can all provide for our children.
They can take as little as 60 seconds.
And we can even learn and practice tools like Special Time to provide strong and regular doses of delight in thier lives.
Work on any fears you may have of their disappointment and messy feelings.
When children sense that we are acting based on a fear of them getting upset, they are likely to fear that we can’t handle all of the upset they carry within.
One example of making a decision out of fear of letting them down, is if you buy them the candy they are asking for, just so they won't cry. (This is different than buying them the candy because you simply want to do it for them in that moment.)
Another example is if you try to calm them down and teach them to regulate themselves when they are having big feelings that simply need to be expressed.
All children will have very big, difficult and messy feelings that feel scary to them. They don't like treating us, or anyone, poorly. They don't like feeling angry or acting aggressively. And they are prone (some more than others) to feel shame and embarrasment when they do.
And being respectful towards them, does not mean you try to gently parent those feelings away. In fact, respectfully parenting them actually means you can acknowledge their young and human ways of expressing their emotions, and provide the adult holding and support that they are designed to seek from you.
When we know that someone is willing to sit with us even through our messiest feelings, we know that we are not too much for them to love.
When we can trust that someone can be honest enough to say no to us, and welcome the emotions that we might have as a result; we can trust that we are not too much work for them. That we are not too hard to love. Even in those moments where we are really hard to be around.
The very same thing applies to kids.
If you can witness them in their disappointment and messy feeling, you will struggle less to set helpful, respectful and loving limits. And you will be more able to welcome their feelings about those limit with deep compassion.
This takes learning, practice and time.
But as long as you are working on it, your child is feeling it.
Repair after ruptures.
You know that automatic tendency that kids have to blame themselves for our bad moods, disconnectedness or outbursts?
Yeah, that one again.
It's a big one, because we really don't want them to carry the burdens of ourunresolved pain.
And it turns out, that the answer to preventing this is not that you become a robot who never experiences bad moods, distraction, or outbursts.
Of course, there is much that you can heal in order to experience greater presence and peace in your life. Healing gives you more capacity to take responsibility for your own emotions and protect your children from unnecessarily receiving the unfinished business of your story.
And also, even if you are healing, you will slip.
You will let them down.
More often than you would like to.
But when you know how to repair the ruptures that your moods and attitudes cause in the relationship, you can remind them that it’s actually just about you.
That it’s because you are needing some extra help and time with your feelings. Not because they did anything wrong.
And that it’s because you are having a hard time. Not because they are hard to love.
Repairing after rupture is how we help our children to make these important, and necessary distinctions between our attitudes and their worth.
I hope that you find these reminders helpful in your endeavors to show your child just how lovable they are.
And of course, this is a great opportunity to get curious about how easy to love you believe that you are.
Because you are.
And even when others struggle to feel loving towards you, remember, it has nothing to do with how very easy you actually are to love.
I”m so glad you’re here. This, is Healing Parents.