We are going to let them down. A lot.
We have so many jobs as parents. From the practical day-to-day logistics to the deeply nuanced emotional and relational realms–this job is like no other.
Sometimes we can forget that no matter how much experience we have, how much help we get, or how many tools and skills we learn, we are going to let our children down. A lot.
It takes courage to be willing to parent from a place of vulnerability and to learn skills and tools that feel aligned with our intuition but can feel stumbly and awkward, too. This is important work. But it does not guarantee that we will be perfect – nor is it meant to.
Our perfectly imperfect human children would not be adequately served by perfect parents.
And so, one of our biggest jobs in relationship with our children is to help them make sense of the flawed, complex and beautifully human parents they do have.
But how can we help them to know us, if we don’t fully know us?
The answer entails a most precious process.
If we pay attention, we will see that parenting calls us to cultivate a learning, honest and healing relationship with ourselves. As we witness and make sense of our stories, we are better able to help our children to know us.
As we heal, we acquire the maturity and leadership required to help them to know us in a way that affirms the inherent goodness of humans, despite the many times that our actions are not aligned with it, or the values we have chosen. We learn to help them understand what it is to see us struggle and make errors, without taking them personally or attributing them to themselves. They learn that no matter how painful it may feel, our pain or mistake is never indicative of their worth.
When I can say to my child that I struggle with anger at times, and that I am learning ways to love and care for myself when my anger comes to visit, she learns that it is my own Self that I connect with in order to bring healing to the hurts that lie beneath it. In understanding this, she is reminded that we are all untouchably and inherently good, and that it is this very goodness that can hold and heal all of the hurt that causes us to act in ways that do not serve ourselves and others.
I say to her that I am still learning to connect with the sadness that is often beneath my anger, and that this is why sometimes it can get so big so fast – which is why sometimes I react in ways that are hurtful or scary for her. I explain that I am learning, because for so long, I only knew to think I, or someone else must be bad or at fault when I feel angry. I did not know that it is okay to feel angry, and care for myself when I do, instead of hurting others. When she understands this, she learns that sometimes we don’t know how to act in ways that best serve us and those we love, but that we can learn.
And when I take compassionate responsibility for the ways in which I act out of alignment with my values, she sees that we can own our mistakes and love ourselves at the same time. She is reminded that my mistakes are never her fault or her responsibility to fix. When I can say that I love myself enough to forgive myself and at the same time learn ways to do better, she sees that accountability is not a shameful acknowledgement of blame, but rather a beautiful display of love for self and others.
We will let them down. Sometimes in doing so, we will learn to do things differently the next time. Others, we will see the depth of the pain within that needs healing and care. Mostly, it will be a little bit of both. In all of these circumstances, we can help our children to cultivate understanding and resiliency around one of life’s biggest challenges and most deeply nourishing experiences – loving and being loved by another imperfect human being.