Being your child’s “person”
Have you read that quote by Jonathan Louis Dent about imagining if we measured our success in terms of how people feel in our presence?
Recently I wrote about the kind of people it feels good to be around. Especially when we are hurting.
And you know what?
So much of this respectful parenting thing comes down to being able to be that person for our children.
The person who they can crumble with.
The person they can voice their strangest fears and their most existential doubts to. Because they do have these, even when they are little!
The person they can count on to delight in their very existence and moments of joy.
And the person who can hold them through the big, small and unpredictable expressions of their grief.
As you probably already know, the connection-based parenting tools that we learn and practice are not designed to tame inconvenient or troubling behavior. They are not meant to make your child “successful” in terms of dominant standards. They are not meant to make them easier for us to parent.
These tools are meant to teach us what we need to know in order to enjoy the deep connection with our children that so many of our parents missed out on with us.
They are also, and perhaps more importantly, how we provide them with the unique sense of belonging, resilience and capacity that can only be gained in close, trusting relationships. Which existing evidence tells us is what will most influence their capacity for well-being and true resilience throughout their lives.
And so, again: if anything matters in this parenting journey, it is that we learn to be that person for our children.
And here we are, some days easier, some days harder, doing just that. Practicing being the thing they most need, the thing we most needed–but didn’t fully get.
Their person.
The kind of parent who knows that every single struggle and loss that your child will experience in life, is an opportunity for them to learn that they are never alone in this world. Because of you.
And you know what? This applies to their most joyful moments as well.
When they are simply being who they came to be, and are met with our full acceptance–free of judgments, praise, criticism, or commentary. When their act of being is met with our loving gaze that delights in their existence. This is how we prepare them to keep their hearts open to the good things that await them in this world, despite the many painful ones.
Want a little tip for how to do this right now with your child?
Try seeing and treating them at some point today as if you are meeting them for the first time, and your only desire is to experience them as they wish to be.
This is how we heal together, one act of caring and connection at a time.
Read more here about how to be the parent and leader that your child needs, through practices like delighting in them, listening to their hurts, setting loving limits, and more.