Guilt. Where does it come from? And how to help your child with it
Anna passionately sobs on stage, “This is all my fault!”
My daughter, four years old at the time, stands up during the Disney live performance of Frozen, and shouts, “No Anna!!! It’s not your fault. It doesn’t have to be anybody’s fault!”
She looks ready to run onto the stage and hug Anna.
Helping our children develop a healthy relationship with guilt, can help us to heal our own.
I’ve put together a two-part blog series on guilt.
In part one, let’s look at why we experience it in the first place.
Why do children experience guilt?
Hurts, big and small, are a part of the human relational experience.
Children, as we have all seen, feel these hurts deeply.
They pick up on them quite easily, as well.
A subtle misattunement like an eyeroll or irritated sigh when they ask to be carried, will be sensed more often than not, and felt more acutely than we might expect.
Because they feel so deeply, children will desperately want to know the cause of their hurts.
Why don’t my parents love me the same now that my baby sister was born? Why do I have to miss you when I’m at daddy’s and miss him when I’m at yours? Why can’t I stay home all day anymore? Why doesn’t Suzy want to talk to me at school?
Left to their own devices, they will often blame themselves.
Why?
Because it gives them a sense of control.
“If I can attribute this unbearably painful situation to myself, then I will have the power to change it, by changing myself.”
It’s pretty brilliant actually.
Heartbreaking. But brilliant nevertheless.
Guilt helps them avoid the pain of separation
This is one way that children learn to control their behaviors when they can help it, in order to avoid pain. The pain of separation.
The thing is, these painful events that trigger their guilt, are not actually too big for them to bear.
In fact, children are wired not only to heal, but grow their capacity for connection through these experiences.
But they cannot understand this on their own.
They need us to show them.
And so, this is why we do what we do.
It is why we parent in this way.
We understand that we are not trying to save them from guilt when something goes wrong.
Rather, we know that this is an automatic reaction that they may go to time and again.
The tendency to blame will often arise when deep fear, pain or shame are present or imminent.
Helping our kids with their guilt
So what do we do?
We provide our children with attuned reminders, that even when life hurts really bad, we can get through those hurts together.
Here are some of the ways we can do this:
Apologize when we have caused them pain, and take responsibility for the emotions behind our actions.
“I don’t like the way I looked at you when you tugged on my shirt. It must not have felt good for you when I made that face. I was having some jumbled up feelings, and that’s why my face looked like that. It wasn’t because of you. I’m sorry.”
Try to avoid judgemental language.
Instead of saying, “where did you leave it?” when your child is looking for a lost item, you can say something neutral like, “shoot, you can’t find your stuffy” (and even offer to help them). This way of speaking to our kids won’t teach them to be irresponsible. It will actually liberate them from the shame or blame that cause defensiveness and undermine taking responsibility.
Notice when they seem to blame themselves, and offer validation, empathy, and supportive information.
If they say “It’s all my fault!” you can say something like, “It feels like it's your fault? I get that. I feel that way too when things like this happen. But do you know what? It’s actually never anyone’s fault.” We can say this even when they are responsible for an outcome. And as in the point above, this will actually foster a greater ability to assume responsibility for their actions when they are developmentally ready to.
Help them to be accountable for their actions when they express remorse.
“Mommy, I’m sorry I hit you earlier.”
“Aw, I know it’s because your feelings got so big, and that happens sometimes to kid’s bodies when their feelings get big. I know you didn’t really want to hit me. I can tell you don’t like that it happened. I’ll always keep us safe when your feelings get that big.”
If this one feels challenging for you, I can help you understand why.
Don’t force them to apologize when they have hurt you or someone else.
Just don’t.
Reduce the amount of times that we plant disconnection.
Get your difficult feelings heard by the right adults, so that your feelings don’t get in the way of your connection with your child. This is why we all need an emotional village if we are trying to be emotionally mature parents.
Bring in doses of connection.
Connection is the opposite of separateness and isolation. The more children can rely on a reliable relationship full of invitations to connect, the less room there is for them to perceive painful events as real threats. And the less urgent their need will be to blame themselves or someone else as a coping strategy.
A healthy, productive relationship with guilt
When we:
Are aware of how guilt, blame and shame occur as protective instincts for our children,
Provide the necessary connection and information so that they don’t get stuck in the guilt, blame and shame,
then we write a different, healthy story about guilt with them.
And believe me, if after a lifetime of being raised with A LOT of guilt, blame and shame–
I was able to raise a four year old who boldly stands up in the middle of a packed theater to help another with their guilt–
I’m pretty sure ANYONE can.
With a little bit of guidance, a good dose of healing, and a lot bit of support, we can all give our children a productive relationship with guilt:
One where they can be with their remorse, and seek repair when they are ready.
One where, when they feel guilty, they also know that they are not bad, even if they did something “bad”.
One where they see guilt, like other feelings, as a messenger.
And one that they don’t have to experience alone.
Have you explored your own story about guilt?
This, is healing while parenting.