Our fathers–whether present or absent–leave one of the oldest imprints on our stories.

Which is why good fathering matters so much. 

So what do I mean by good fathering?

I’m talking about fathering with connection, emotional responsibility and an ever-growing capacity for presence.

I want us to acknowledge how much this kind of fathering matters, because if you are a dad doing the good work of healing yourself–in order to do the real work of parenting–I bow down to you today. 

I know how hard the work of healing while parenting can be, and I honor you for choosing it. 

We must also acknowledge how much good fathering matters today, because it is not okay when children don’t get this from their dads. Which also means, it is not okay if you didn’t get it.

I am not saying that we won’t ever be okay if we didn’t get this. Nor am I saying that children who grow up without their dads can’t be okay. I’m saying that we need to stop normalizing and expecting kids to pick up the slack for what they need, but don't get emotionally from their dads. 

You see, we live in a culture that sets us all up to give dads a pass. Or another way of seeing it, is that we live in a culture that teaches us to keep men, from the time they are children, from being able to fully experience close connection with themselves and their loved ones–including their children.

And our own ability to parent well depends on us being able to say that it is not okay when good fathering doesn’t happen.

Because when we name it, we can see where we have some healing to do for the fathering we needed, but didn’t get. Some care to receive. And some gentleness to extend to ourselves and any other children, big or small, who didn’t or aren't getting the good fathering they need.

It's not only the kids who feel it when a father can't parent well. The dad misses out too.

One of the things that brought my dad and I closer in his final years was being able to grieve the relationship that we both missed out on in my childhood, teen and early adult years. 

Father’s day is marketed as a simple thing in our culture. A day to thank an average dad for “always being there”, with a hardware, electronic or otherwise stereotypically male gift.

But probably for most of you, who move through the world with a lens that sees and feels the layers and the nuance of even the most broadly-accepted norms, I bet it is a mixed bag.

There are so many reasons for this day to bring up all the feelings. About your own dad, your children’s dad, yourself as a dad…all that is there, all that has ceased to be, and all that never was.

Every Father’s Day with my dad was different, because our story together was always changing. This will be the first since he passed away in December. 

Another change in our story together. But our story surely continues.

Wherever your story with fatherhood is at today, I wish you healing for the wounds, and joy for what there is to celebrate. Whatever those things may mean for you.